Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam

A year and a half ago is about when I stopped writing regularly. The 6th of the month would come and thoughts would fill my mind about what to say about Luke and about where he'd be if he were living his life now, here with us. But writing them out often wouldn't happen.

About the time I fell out of the habit of writing Luke was about to reach what would have been 18-months mark. So many thoughts were on my mind with that age. I kept intending to go back and write about them, but it never happened. 18 months is a significant age for members of my church because it's when your child can begin attending the nursery. It feels like such a big day to be sending your baby off to class with the big kids. It's a major indicator that your baby is well on to toddler-hood. 

I wanted to write about it. I wanted to acknowledge that day that was coming and passing --with no change for me because my baby wasn't 18-months at all. 

But the day came and the day went...

and life...

well life plummeted on without me leaving little time for my thoughts, my writing, or my angel baby. 

Elimination Diet 
A cross-town move
Cleaning up from intense mold exposure
Depression and Anxiety
A pregnancy
A cross-country move
A toddler
A birth
A baby

And no time. No time to think beyond dinner and diapers. 

And now it's the new year. I hadn't given too much thought to the matter as I worked tirelessly to prepare things for the primary. I knew we were getting a new group of Sunbeams, but I hadn't thought about how my Luke would be in that class. I hadn't even really thought about the fact that Jeremy and Luke would have been in nursery together for the little while. The thought of two little brothers together makes me smile. Perhaps sometimes Luke is there in spirit. 

I hadn't thought about any of this until a few of my friends whose babies were born when Luke was born started posting pictures on Sunday of their sweet little ones advancing from nursery to primary  and I realized that that would have been me too. I am grateful I'll always have these kids as a gauge to remind me where Luke would have been in life if he were here with us.

Pic from FB with permission from my friend Genn 

Pic courtesy of my friend Neena
(As a side note: Aren't all these boys so adorable?! Maybe my Clara can date one of them some day.)

Some days it feel like forever ago that my baby was born. I'm no longer in the raw, numb, soul-wrenching stage of grief that is almost all consuming. But other days it seems like it was not long ago at all. 


Luke, I may not be consumed daily with emotions about you, but I pray that daily your influence will be here with me. Here with our family. Here with your siblings. You're welcome to stay in nursery a little longer to watch over that sweet brother of yours. Maybe next year you can move up to Sunbeams with him . . . or stay back to watch over your sister. I love you. Love, your mommy.