Easter 2014

As I have declared before, Easter has become my favorite holiday. Because of what it means and everything it stands for and how it personally relates to me and my family.

I usually plant bulbs every fall so that I will have tulips blooming in the springtime to remind me of Christ, to honor our son Luke, and to celebrate the new life that the Easter holiday embodies.

We moved just before fall and with the new place and all our other issues at the time I wasn't able to plant any tulips at our most recent residence. Also, we moved out before they would have bloomed, yet I still regret not doing it.

I was able to at least purchase some lovely tulips to have on display for Easter.

Easter was simple. We didn't do anything to extravagant to celebrate.

We attended church, like usual, and enjoyed the special musical numbers that were prepared for the day.

We let Jeremy pick up some Easter eggs that we scattered in the park by our house and enjoyed the beautiful spring weather.

We invited another couple over who also just relocated here for work to join us for dinner. I guess being a foodie the best way I knew to celebrate was to cook lots of yummy food --a baked ham with a homemade glaze, cheesy potatoes, green bean casserole, and carrot cake all from scratch. (I forgot to take pictures before we ate it all up!)

All the while I was simply feeling in my heart a closeness to my savior, Jesus Christ. A gratitude for His life, His love, and His gift of the resurrection that is promised to all. I am so grateful to know that because of Him I can be reunited with my son Luke and eventually all of my family members after we live our mortal lives.

I know that my Redeember Lives, and for Him I am Grateful 

Grieving Cheerfully

I feel like I was prepared in so many different ways for Luke's death. Not that you can ever really be prepared for an unexpected death of a loved one, but reflecting on things, I feel like God truly took me by the hand and lead me to do and learn certain things before Luke's death which helped me later.

Last night I was at a Relief Society class focusing on simplifying things. Many suggestions were shared for a myriad of regular activities women and moms participate in. One woman who I really admire, shared a suggestion she learned from someone else which she has tried to implement.

Laundry. What household task could be more never-ending than laundry? So the suggestion was to make doing laundry an opportunity to reflect on each family member as you sorted through each of their clothing items. Think about them -- their stage of life, things you love about them, etc. She shared how this has really helped her enjoy this mundane task.

As she shared this it brought to memory an insight I had while I was pregnant with Luke. I remember coming to the realization; my life was forever going to be filled with mundane tasks -- laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. The words of a scripture took meaning in a new way "let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power" (D&C 123:17). I knew my happiness was going to be in my attitude. I recall reflecting on that as I prepared for Luke to join our family.

Oh how I would have given anything to be able to be doing the mundane tasks of motherhood for that baby boy!

And then, just this morning, I realized I guess instead of cheerfully changing diapers or doing laundry I grieved cheerfully. Or rather, am grieving, cheerfully. Grief is so different for everyone, but for me I truly feel like I am able to focus on the positive things.

I will get to raise Luke one day.
Because of Christ, Luke (and all of our family members) will be resurrected one day.
Luke was so perfect that he did not need to withstand that trials and adversities of this life.
The promise of being with Luke is one more reason or incentive to keep God's commandments, so I can be with him again one day.
We have a family member who, hopefully, is looking after us and loves us more than I'm sure we even realize.

These are just some of the positive things that I truly have cheerfully been able to recognize and remember. Grief is different for everyone and even different for each person at different times. I don't expect others to handle their grief in a similar way. Nevertheless, I feel like because I keep these blessings and truths in the forefront of my mind I have been perhaps buffered  from more painful feelings associated with death and have been able to grieve just a little more cheerfully than perhaps what is normal. For that I am grateful.

10 Months

10 months.

10 months ago I was faced with that moment of discovering that my son's spirit had already returned to Heaven. 10 months ago Sherri looked me in the eyes, after minutes of searching for Luke's heartbeat, and said "This isn't good you guys." 10 months ago our lives turned up-side-down in an instant as the future that we had anticipated was gone. Just like that. Gone.

10 months ago I was faced with the unbelievable task of having to give birth to my baby. Once a child dies you still have to do that. You have to still get the baby out of your womb where he had been growing perfectly for 9 months. It's almost unfathomable --to sit there in that moment--and realize your baby is gone, but you're still going to give birth to him. How? How do you do that?

10 months ago I got checked into the hospital by nurses who greeted me with a smile and cheerful faces...until they realized I was "Dr. Parker's [unexpected] patient."

10 months ago nothing happened like I had envisioned it would.

And now, here I am, across the country, where no one knows what I really went through ten months ago. Where no one knows that I can still see and feel the details of that day so vividly in both my heart and mind. Where no one knows that I am a mother. Where no one knows that I pressed forward with strength and was blessed beyond belief with an incredible birth because of my preparation, the support of those present (namely Trevor, Sherri, and the great nurses), and many prayers from friends and family members. Where no one knows that my sensitivity to those that lose loved ones has increased ten-fold. Where no one knows that I know first-hand the heartache of pregnancy loss.

Here I am. While part of my delicate and changed self is in Utah. Those memories. The people. The moments that have shaped me into someone new. So much of my life was there. And it's not that it isn't with me, of course it is all still part of me, but it's different now. It's different having to fill people in on who I am and what has molded me when now it seems like it's just a passing fact --a little tid-bit of information about me that I try to share when the moment is right.

"I have a son; however, he was stillborn."

There is so much more to it than that. And it's not a fact of the past. An event that happened 10 months ago. It's a fact that is just as much part of my reality now as it was when we heard the heartbreaking news. It's still a part of my life and it's most definitely still a part of who I am and who I am becoming.

My darling Luke, we may have left your precious body buried in its final resting place, but your impact on my life will not rest. You have given me so much --compassion, empathy, sympathy, strength, confidence, faith, humility.... And even greater than all of those you have given me a strengthened testimony in Jesus Christ. In His atonement for my sins. In His promise of a resurrection that will allow me to see you again --in the living flesh. Oh what a glorious day that will be! You will live again and until then you will continue to change my life, even if the people around me are unaware of this part of my life that could never be left behind. I love you more than ever. 

Joy in Christ

At Luke's funeral I chose to sing The Lord is My Light as the opening hymn. I sang this song resolutely and with joy because I knew that its words are true


1. The Lord is my light; then why should I fear?

By day and by night his presence is near.
He is my salvation from sorrow and sin;
This blessed assurance the Spirit doth bring.

[Chorus]
The Lord is my light;
He is my joy and my song.
By day and by night he leads,
He leads me along.

2. The Lord is my light; tho clouds may arise,
Faith, stronger than sight, looks up thru the skies
Where Jesus forever in glory doth reign.
Then how can I ever in darkness remain?

3. The Lord is my light; the Lord is my strength.
I know in his might I’ll conquer at length.
My weakness in mercy he covers with pow’r,
And, walking by faith, I am blest ev’ry hour.

4. The Lord is my light, my all and in all.
There is in his sight no darkness at all.
He is my Redeemer, my Savior, and King.
With Saints and with angels his praises I’ll sing.

It might seem strange that I could be so joyful at a funeral, but my conviction that these words are true overpowered any gloom of not having my son right now. "Where Jesus forever in glory doth reign. Then how can I in darkness remain?" I know Christ has provided a way for me to be able to live with God and with my son again one day. There is so much joy in that!

In a previous post I mentioned how Easter is my favorite holiday. I love the simplicity of this video as it depicts the complexity of what happened to Jesus Christ.

The words of the Prophet, President Thomas S. Monson, speak to my heart: "In our hour of deepest sorrow, we can receive profound peace from the words of the angel that first Easter morning: 'He is not here: for he is risen.'" (April 2010 General Conference Address)

What a magnificent thing which brings cause for rejoicing!

Even though Easter is just one day, the message and meaning of that day is at the forefront of my mind every day--especially as I am rejuvenated by the spring sun, my blooming flowers, and the blissful chirps of little birds. The new life found in Spring testifies daily of Christ and His Resurrection.

Hope of Spring

On Tuesday morning I arrived at the Provo temple, stepped out of my car into the dark morning and felt the warm air around me. I heard birds chirping and Springtime felt so near. I could nearly feel it surround me. I felt so hopeful and grateful to the Lord for the blessings in my life. I felt myself choke up right then and there as the sound of the birds skimmed above my head. If only I could be sure to forever hold on to that feeling of overwhelming gratitude and hope for a warmer, brighter day that is lovingly bestowed upon me by our Father in Heaven.

To Him I am so grateful--for the warmth of His love and for everything that the new life of spring represents.

Beautiful, Bright, Millennial Day

Yesterday we sung The Day Dawn is Breaking as the closing hymn in Relief Society. Tears fell down my cheeks as I  sung the words:

          Then happy reunion and sweetest communion

          We'll have with our friends in the beautiful day.

          Beautiful day of peace and rest,

          Bright be thy dawn from east to west.

          Hail to thine earliest welcome ray,

          Beautiful, bright, millennial day.

What a beautiful day and happy reunion it will be when I finally meet my son. 

Luke, I think about you every day. And I look forward to that glorious day that we will be reunited. I love you my precious son. Love, your mommy.