Easter 2014

As I have declared before, Easter has become my favorite holiday. Because of what it means and everything it stands for and how it personally relates to me and my family.

I usually plant bulbs every fall so that I will have tulips blooming in the springtime to remind me of Christ, to honor our son Luke, and to celebrate the new life that the Easter holiday embodies.

We moved just before fall and with the new place and all our other issues at the time I wasn't able to plant any tulips at our most recent residence. Also, we moved out before they would have bloomed, yet I still regret not doing it.

I was able to at least purchase some lovely tulips to have on display for Easter.

Easter was simple. We didn't do anything to extravagant to celebrate.

We attended church, like usual, and enjoyed the special musical numbers that were prepared for the day.

We let Jeremy pick up some Easter eggs that we scattered in the park by our house and enjoyed the beautiful spring weather.

We invited another couple over who also just relocated here for work to join us for dinner. I guess being a foodie the best way I knew to celebrate was to cook lots of yummy food --a baked ham with a homemade glaze, cheesy potatoes, green bean casserole, and carrot cake all from scratch. (I forgot to take pictures before we ate it all up!)

All the while I was simply feeling in my heart a closeness to my savior, Jesus Christ. A gratitude for His life, His love, and His gift of the resurrection that is promised to all. I am so grateful to know that because of Him I can be reunited with my son Luke and eventually all of my family members after we live our mortal lives.

I know that my Redeember Lives, and for Him I am Grateful 

Grieving Cheerfully

I feel like I was prepared in so many different ways for Luke's death. Not that you can ever really be prepared for an unexpected death of a loved one, but reflecting on things, I feel like God truly took me by the hand and lead me to do and learn certain things before Luke's death which helped me later.

Last night I was at a Relief Society class focusing on simplifying things. Many suggestions were shared for a myriad of regular activities women and moms participate in. One woman who I really admire, shared a suggestion she learned from someone else which she has tried to implement.

Laundry. What household task could be more never-ending than laundry? So the suggestion was to make doing laundry an opportunity to reflect on each family member as you sorted through each of their clothing items. Think about them -- their stage of life, things you love about them, etc. She shared how this has really helped her enjoy this mundane task.

As she shared this it brought to memory an insight I had while I was pregnant with Luke. I remember coming to the realization; my life was forever going to be filled with mundane tasks -- laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. The words of a scripture took meaning in a new way "let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power" (D&C 123:17). I knew my happiness was going to be in my attitude. I recall reflecting on that as I prepared for Luke to join our family.

Oh how I would have given anything to be able to be doing the mundane tasks of motherhood for that baby boy!

And then, just this morning, I realized I guess instead of cheerfully changing diapers or doing laundry I grieved cheerfully. Or rather, am grieving, cheerfully. Grief is so different for everyone, but for me I truly feel like I am able to focus on the positive things.

I will get to raise Luke one day.
Because of Christ, Luke (and all of our family members) will be resurrected one day.
Luke was so perfect that he did not need to withstand that trials and adversities of this life.
The promise of being with Luke is one more reason or incentive to keep God's commandments, so I can be with him again one day.
We have a family member who, hopefully, is looking after us and loves us more than I'm sure we even realize.

These are just some of the positive things that I truly have cheerfully been able to recognize and remember. Grief is different for everyone and even different for each person at different times. I don't expect others to handle their grief in a similar way. Nevertheless, I feel like because I keep these blessings and truths in the forefront of my mind I have been perhaps buffered  from more painful feelings associated with death and have been able to grieve just a little more cheerfully than perhaps what is normal. For that I am grateful.

10 Months

10 months.

10 months ago I was faced with that moment of discovering that my son's spirit had already returned to Heaven. 10 months ago Sherri looked me in the eyes, after minutes of searching for Luke's heartbeat, and said "This isn't good you guys." 10 months ago our lives turned up-side-down in an instant as the future that we had anticipated was gone. Just like that. Gone.

10 months ago I was faced with the unbelievable task of having to give birth to my baby. Once a child dies you still have to do that. You have to still get the baby out of your womb where he had been growing perfectly for 9 months. It's almost unfathomable --to sit there in that moment--and realize your baby is gone, but you're still going to give birth to him. How? How do you do that?

10 months ago I got checked into the hospital by nurses who greeted me with a smile and cheerful faces...until they realized I was "Dr. Parker's [unexpected] patient."

10 months ago nothing happened like I had envisioned it would.

And now, here I am, across the country, where no one knows what I really went through ten months ago. Where no one knows that I can still see and feel the details of that day so vividly in both my heart and mind. Where no one knows that I am a mother. Where no one knows that I pressed forward with strength and was blessed beyond belief with an incredible birth because of my preparation, the support of those present (namely Trevor, Sherri, and the great nurses), and many prayers from friends and family members. Where no one knows that my sensitivity to those that lose loved ones has increased ten-fold. Where no one knows that I know first-hand the heartache of pregnancy loss.

Here I am. While part of my delicate and changed self is in Utah. Those memories. The people. The moments that have shaped me into someone new. So much of my life was there. And it's not that it isn't with me, of course it is all still part of me, but it's different now. It's different having to fill people in on who I am and what has molded me when now it seems like it's just a passing fact --a little tid-bit of information about me that I try to share when the moment is right.

"I have a son; however, he was stillborn."

There is so much more to it than that. And it's not a fact of the past. An event that happened 10 months ago. It's a fact that is just as much part of my reality now as it was when we heard the heartbreaking news. It's still a part of my life and it's most definitely still a part of who I am and who I am becoming.

My darling Luke, we may have left your precious body buried in its final resting place, but your impact on my life will not rest. You have given me so much --compassion, empathy, sympathy, strength, confidence, faith, humility.... And even greater than all of those you have given me a strengthened testimony in Jesus Christ. In His atonement for my sins. In His promise of a resurrection that will allow me to see you again --in the living flesh. Oh what a glorious day that will be! You will live again and until then you will continue to change my life, even if the people around me are unaware of this part of my life that could never be left behind. I love you more than ever. 

Peace In Christ

Life seems to be such a whirlwind right now! Between hosting parties, having family in town, attending and celebrating graduation, celebrating our anniversary, and packing up our entire house to move--there has been almost no down time. A wonderful whirlwind but a whirlwind nevertheless!

Between all of the fun things I've barely had a moment to think about if I was feeling nauseous or not. However, with my upcoming prenatal appointment I started to get rather anxious. I did start to notice that I hadn't been feeling that nauseous. Perhaps I am just nearing the end of that phase of pregnancy? Or perhaps to busy to notice I've been nauseous? I tried to be optimistic, but it was impossible to not let my mind think that perhaps things aren't going well. Is everything okay? Am I still pregnant? 


I was anxiously awaiting yet dreading my prenatal appointment knowing that I would find out if I was really still pregnant and knowing that we would hopefully hear this baby's heartbeat for the first time.

The morning of my prenatal appointment I was participating in a little training meeting and was presented with a beautiful video called He is Risen. The video depicted the final week of Christ's life, His atonement, crucifixion, and resurrection. In some of His final moments with his disciples He shares the words:

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. (John 14:27)

Peace is what I needed for my anxious heart. I realized that through Christ I could have peace. I may not be able to have the peace and assurance that I was seeking from "the world." I was seeking to know that my baby was alive and well and that assurance would hopefully be given to me at my appointment. Yet, the peace that Christ could offer is so much more than that. The peace that Christ offers is the peace that I felt when I found out Luke was no longer living. It is the peace knowing that all will be made right in Christ. It is the peace knowing that He has given us the most precious gift of all -the atonement, the ability to repent and the with that the opportunity to live with both our Father in Heaven and our earthly family again. The peace that Christ gives is a peace that was not going to be achieved by a successful prenatal appointment. The peace that Christ gives is so much more than that.  

I was so grateful for this insight. I was so grateful for an answer to my prayers that did not come in the way that I would expect, but came in a much greater and more meaningful way. I am so grateful for God's love for me, that He would open my ears and allow me to be taught as I heard the words of the scriptures.

I wish my faith were stronger and that I could tell you that as I laid there that afternoon and was smiling peacefully as we waited to hear the heartbeat! I wasn't. I was still anxious. And perhaps even a little prepared to hear that there was no heartbeat.

I laid there waiting...and waiting...and waiting to hear this little baby's heartbeat. The doppler picked up my own heartbeat. Baby's heartbeat? Nothing. The doppler picked up "uterine sounds." The baby's heartbeat? Nothing. The doppler picked up my digestive sounds. Baby's heartbeat? Nothing. Again, my own heartbeat. Uterine sounds. Digestive track. Uterine sounds. My heartbeat. Uterine sounds. My midwife continued to move the doppler around to find baby's heartbeat.

I tried to breath deep. I tried to relax. I tried to be patient. I reminded myself the baby is very small right now and it took a long time to find Luke's heartbeat at his first appointment. Yet my head raced with thoughts. Perhaps I'm not really pregnant. Perhaps it's just a blighted ovum*. Perhaps we've lost this baby too. Am I prepared to hear that news? If we can't find it will we go to the doctor's office to have an ultrasound done? Perhaps I should ask Sherri what the likelihood is that it's just a blighted ovum? Just breath. I looked over at Trevor knowing he was feeling just as anxious as I was.

Uterine sounds. My heartbeat. Digestive sounds. Uterine sounds. Baby' heartbeat!!!

I knew it was there! It had to be. What a relief. I nearly cried right then and there as the only outlet for my anxiety to be released. I didn't though and just breathed deeply and tried to let out some of the angst that had been climaxing for what seemed like several minutes. I don't know how long it actually was but it seemed like forever.

How grateful I am to be able to know this baby is alive and hopefully well. We pray for this little one every day. Yet I am even more grateful to know that if things do not end the way that I want them to Christ has given me peace beyond any peace I could obtain from any doppler or ultrasound.

*****

*I had heard of a blighted ovum but learned more about it when I read this friends blog about her experience a few months ago.

Joy in Christ

At Luke's funeral I chose to sing The Lord is My Light as the opening hymn. I sang this song resolutely and with joy because I knew that its words are true


1. The Lord is my light; then why should I fear?

By day and by night his presence is near.
He is my salvation from sorrow and sin;
This blessed assurance the Spirit doth bring.

[Chorus]
The Lord is my light;
He is my joy and my song.
By day and by night he leads,
He leads me along.

2. The Lord is my light; tho clouds may arise,
Faith, stronger than sight, looks up thru the skies
Where Jesus forever in glory doth reign.
Then how can I ever in darkness remain?

3. The Lord is my light; the Lord is my strength.
I know in his might I’ll conquer at length.
My weakness in mercy he covers with pow’r,
And, walking by faith, I am blest ev’ry hour.

4. The Lord is my light, my all and in all.
There is in his sight no darkness at all.
He is my Redeemer, my Savior, and King.
With Saints and with angels his praises I’ll sing.

It might seem strange that I could be so joyful at a funeral, but my conviction that these words are true overpowered any gloom of not having my son right now. "Where Jesus forever in glory doth reign. Then how can I in darkness remain?" I know Christ has provided a way for me to be able to live with God and with my son again one day. There is so much joy in that!

In a previous post I mentioned how Easter is my favorite holiday. I love the simplicity of this video as it depicts the complexity of what happened to Jesus Christ.

The words of the Prophet, President Thomas S. Monson, speak to my heart: "In our hour of deepest sorrow, we can receive profound peace from the words of the angel that first Easter morning: 'He is not here: for he is risen.'" (April 2010 General Conference Address)

What a magnificent thing which brings cause for rejoicing!

Even though Easter is just one day, the message and meaning of that day is at the forefront of my mind every day--especially as I am rejuvenated by the spring sun, my blooming flowers, and the blissful chirps of little birds. The new life found in Spring testifies daily of Christ and His Resurrection.

All pregnancy loss is valid but can't be compared

The other day a friend shared a link and I ended up reading various posts on Birth Faith. I began reading her post Very Early Miscarriage. She related some experiences where she felt she was miscarrying even though she had never taken a positive pregnancy test. She communicated her frustration for the lack of sensitivity, emotional support, or acknowledgment for these losses.

I feel like anyone on the spectrum of pregnancy loss, even those that experience loss in the form on not being able to conceive, should be validated. I feel like others sometimes make comments that imply that they feel like their sorrows are not justified compared to mine because they lost their baby so early while I lost mine at full term. This "my loss is nothing compared to yours" attitude, in my opinion, isn't right.

Loss is loss. No matter if it occurs at 4 weeks or 40 weeks, it is a loss and its accompanying grief is real. I agree with the author of Gone to Soon who says, "To judge a the gravity of the loss by weeks of gestation is unfair."

I feel like so many of the emotions that may be experienced by mothers (or fathers) of loss can be similar -- sadness, questioning, heartbreak for the unrealized dreams of a future hoped for and even planned on (among many others). The feelings you experience with loss can't and shouldn't be denied and don't need to be minimized if you were earlier in your pregnancy. Nor can others who have carried their babies longer feel like their loss is greater (which I did initially) it is just different. It's not right to try to compare your grief or your loss. It is painful to each of us and the degree of pain and grief felt is determined by the individual not the weeks of gestation. 

Though the pain and feelings experienced may be similar or even the same or the circumstances regarding the loss might be similar, it is not right to even assume that you know what it's like for someone else. Everyone's experience is different and I don't think they can be compared. 

At the end of the blog post by this woman who experienced very early miscarriages,  I read the words "I have known the loss you feel." When I read those words I wanted to tell her:

"No you don't! You don't know the loss I feel. You don't know what it's like to give birth to your baby that has already died. You don't know what it's like to spend your initial post-partum recovery planning a funeral, selecting a burial site, and picking out your child's clothes for burial. You don't know what it's like to hold your baby in your arms with no life in him. You don't know what it's like to watch someone close a casket lid for you to never see your child again. You don't know what it's like to have to call your mother on the phone to tell her you're about to go deliver your baby that has died. You don't know what it's like to try to determine what you're going to say at a funeral or if you should even have a funeral. You don't know what it's like to visit the cemetery where you see your own name on a headstone because your baby is buried there. You don't know." 

As I continue to read over her words I don't think she really means, "I have known the loss you feel."  I think the point she is trying to make by saying those words is that thee feelings associated with loss are universal and can be experienced by anyone who goes through any type of loss. And I agree, full-heartedly, that the feelings of loss may be similar and are just as real at any stage in pregnancy. Yet each individuals' experiences are so different and cannot be compared. You cannot assume you know how anyone feels about their loss. So for her to just say, "I have known the loss you feel," is infuriating. Because she can't. She doesn't. Nor does anyone else. 

Only our all-knowing Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, could make that claim. They are the only ones that truly know how I feel. They are the only ones who understand my feelings that sometimes I can't even articulate or understand. Yes, having a community of others who have experienced loss is helpful, because sometimes we can understand and relate to each other's experiences, but only a relationship with a loving Father in Heaven can allow you to be truly and completely understood. He hears prayers that aren't spoken and understands feelings not shared. He knows every detail and emotion and is intimately concerned about each of us, His children. When we chose to turn to Him and pray to Him we can learn for ourselves of His love and perfect understanding that can only come from Him.

*****

Update: I received a nice message from the author of Birth Faith. She apologized for her writing being infuriating to me and acknowledged that she doesn't know the loss that I have felt. I believe that I misconstrued her intended meaning of those words and am sorry for that; however, I can't deny the thought process that they caused me to have.

Hope of Spring

On Tuesday morning I arrived at the Provo temple, stepped out of my car into the dark morning and felt the warm air around me. I heard birds chirping and Springtime felt so near. I could nearly feel it surround me. I felt so hopeful and grateful to the Lord for the blessings in my life. I felt myself choke up right then and there as the sound of the birds skimmed above my head. If only I could be sure to forever hold on to that feeling of overwhelming gratitude and hope for a warmer, brighter day that is lovingly bestowed upon me by our Father in Heaven.

To Him I am so grateful--for the warmth of His love and for everything that the new life of spring represents.

Faith in His Timming

I have learned so much in my endeavor to live out my life as a mother. I feel like I can better relate perhaps just a little bit to women who may experience infertility. I know what it's like to hope for and dread the beginning of each menstrual cycle. I know what it feels like to plead with the Lord for the blessing of a child. I know what it feels like to mourn over the life that I had dreamed of and don't have. I know what it's like to anxiously take a pregnancy test even before it's quite time, to read the negative results, quietly tuck it into the trash so no one knows I was hopeful, and still hope that it was just too early so it's a false negative. I know what it's like to have a face wet with tears as I plead with the Lord that He hears my prayers and feels my aching heart to be a mother.

And after various experiences, I now know what it's like to recognize that faith is not that He will give me what I want if I have enough of it. Faith is me trusting in Him. Faith is finally believing that He knows all and has a plan for each of us and that He will give me not what I want when I want it, but that I will accept what He will give me when He gives it to me because He is the Great I Am and has a perfect knowledge of all things.

Last fast Sunday, February 5, I when I was in DC staying with family I started my period. I was so heart broken. I sat on the hide-a-bed and let tears fall down my face as I sat with my 2-year-old niece, Jenna. She was so sweet and concerned. She let me hold her and hug her and listened as I told her that I was sad. I wanted more than anything to have another baby on the way. How long must I wait?

I called Trevor and told him about it. I asked him how long we needed to wait before we asked our family to pray and fast for us. He said he'd call his sister and his parents right then. He got a hold of his sister but not his parents. I was too timid to ask for anything so I didn't ask Scott and Maryanne. Trevor told me that he was going to fast and pray that we would have patience and understanding.

His prayers were answered.

Through a variety of conversations I feel like my mind was enlightened concerning the timing of things. I realized that it was less about me and what I wanted now but more about what the Lord may need later. I realized that the timing of when a child is born makes all the difference in his or her life. It influences when they'll start school, who their friends will be, when they might be serving a mission, and so many other things. What if the Lord needs my child to be born at a particular time in order for him or her to be an influence for good for other individuals whom he or she may not encounter if born at a different time? Maybe this whole conception thing isn't about me but about other people in this world.

Yes, in a way it is about me. Heavenly Father knows my wants and desires and, like any loving parent, wants me to be able to experience happiness and joy. Yet He is also the loving parent of so many other people and has a plan for each of them too. He has a plan for each of my children. And that plan may very well not be aligned with my plan--or rather my plan not aligned with His.

And I guess that's when we need faith. We need the faith to believe in Him. Believe that He is All Powerful. We need the faith to trust in Him and His plan.

I had this realization, but I felt as if I needed that faith. On Tuesday, as prayers were offered in the temple, I knew that I needed more faith. I needed to trust Him.

"Your faith in Jesus Christ grows as you become better acquainted with Him and His teachings." (Preach My Gospel, Christlike Attributes, p116)

I turned to the scriptures to seek understanding. Tears wet my face as I read verses in the book of Abraham:

"...If there be two spirits, and one shall be more intelligent than the other, yet these two spirits, not withstanding one is more intelligent than the other, have no beginning; they existed before, they shall have no end, they shall exist after, for they are gnolaum, or eternal.

And the Lord said unto me: These two facts do exist, that there are two spirits, one being more intelligent than the other; there shall be another more intelligent than they; I am the Lord thy God, I am more intelligent than they all.

I dwell in the midst of them all; I now, therefore, have come down unto thee to declare unto thee the works which my hands have made, wherein my wisdom excelleth them all, for I rule in the heavens above, and in the earth beneath, in all wisdom and prudence, over all the intelligences thine eyes have seen from the beginning; I came down in the beginning in the midst of all the intelligences thou hast seen." (Abraham 3:18,19,21)

Reading these verses I was taught or rather reminded of the infinite wisdom of the Lord. I was reminded of the eternal nature of spirits and that God the Father knows all. He knows better than I do. He is the ruler over all and He is the perfect ruler. How prideful and unfaithful for me to think that I know best. How could I imagine that I know better than the Lord. I cried over my lack of faith and my heart plead to Him that I could truly trust Him and know that He is in charge and that He knows what is best.

My heart has changed and my faith has increased. I will trust Him.

He is My Light

Today was a day for tears. I have no motivation today. But I'm okay with that. I've accomplished a lot lately. I've tried to do a lot. I'm just going to let today be a day -a day of tears, a day of prayers, a day of resting. I sit and look out the window, feeling a little bad that the daylight has settled to dusk and now dark. I can't bring the daylight back. And the truth is it's only going to get darker before it becomes morning again.

Perhaps this is true with my life. Perhaps my heartache will get stronger before it heals. Perhaps the dark of this night won't be bright again until that glorious day of resurrection when I get to live with my son again. Or perhaps it won't get bright again until I can hold a living, breathing, baby of my own.

No matter when the sun will rise for me, I am so grateful for the Son, the Son of God, who has felt my pain, has felt my sorrows, and understands my tears. Because of Him, there can be light in my life no matter how overshadowing my trials and burdens may be. I love Him. Like my own son, I have not met Him, but I know that He lives and that He cares for me.

I'm not sure how a soul can know such truths, but mine does.

*****

The Lord Is My Light by Heather Bosshardt

The Power of Patience

I don't feel like I've been particularly impatient lately, but I feel like I could be. It could be so easy for me to become extremely frustrated that I'm not currently living out my life as a mother, which I want more than anything to be doing right now. The words from a talk, given by Robert C. Oaks called The Power of Patience, that I listened to recently included counsel that I think I needed to hear. I think they are words that are not only beneficial to me, but to anyone that is currently suffering from unrealized desires. He actually sites a teaching from the apostle Elder Maxwell as he says:

"Elder Neal A. Maxwell linked patience and faith together when he taught: 'Patience is tied very closely to faith in our Heavenly Father. Actually, when we are unduly impatient, we are suggesting that we know what is best--better than does God. Or, at least, we are asserting that our timetable is better than His' ("Patience," Ensign, Oct. 1980, 28)."

How humbling those words are. To be reminded that our Father in Heaven knows what is best for us. Of course He does. He loves us perfectly. He knows us perfectly. Of course He knows what we need. Yes, what we are given (or even what is withheld from us) may not seem desirable. It may be painful. It may be difficult to deal with, but He knows us. Each of us. He knows our needs. He knows what will strengthen us.

How grateful I am to have a Father in heaven who knows and loves me perfectly.

I love the example of patience Elder Oaks shares as he speaks of our Savior:

"The greatest scriptural examples of patience are found in the life of Jesus Christ. His long-suffering and endurance are beset demonstrated on that excruciating night in Gethsemane as He uttered, in His atoning agony, 'O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt' (Matthew 26:39). He truly suffered and bore and endured all things."

Again, I am so grateful for a loving Father in heaven, and His Son who was the perfect example.

Doubt

Just over a month ago I began to be filled with doubt.

These thoughts filled my mind: Could I have kept my baby boy? What if I had scheduled a c-section before his due date? What if I had asked for a healing blessing? If Christ could raise Lazarus from the dead could His power have also brought life back to my son?

I couldn't stop dwelling on these and other similar thoughts. I couldn't help thinking that I could have done something differently in order to have been able to keep my son. These thoughts consumed me. They immobilized me. All I could do is lay in bed and think these same thoughts over and over. What could I have done differently?

A scripture that had been shared in church the previous week came to my mind.

"Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?"


These words found in Doctrine and Covenants 6:23 were a vivid reminder that I did feel peace. I felt peace on our way to the hospital after we found out Luke was no longer living. I felt peace every day of my pregnancy as I prayed to God to know if I should do anything different concerning my prenatal care and choice to deliver naturally. I felt peace knowing that this is God's will for my son. I felt peace knowing Luke only needed to come to earth to receive a body and had no need to withstand the trials of mortality.

I think it's normal for anyone wishing their circumstances were different to ask "what if....?" But that's a road to unhappiness and doubt. It's a road that, if traveled, needs to be abandoned.

*****

"I have come to understand how useless it is to dwell on the whys, what ifs, and if onlys for which there likely will be given no answers in mortality. To receive the Lord's comfort, we must exercise faith. The questions Why me? Why our family? Why now? are usually unanswerable questions. These questions detract from our spirituality and can destroy our faith. We need to spend our time and energy building our faith by turning to the Lord and asking for strength to overcome the pains and trials of this world and to endure to the end for greater understanding." (Robert D. Hales, Healing Soul and Body, October 1998)

Trust Him

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." 
     -Proverbs 3:5-6


When we [trust in the Lord], we will come to realize that we have been on His holy errand, that His divine purposes have been fulfilled, and that we have shared in that fulfillment.  
         -Thomas S. Monson, Becoming Our Best Selves