I had already felt these first-time mom feelings. I had already been down that road. I had already sorted through these anxieties once before. I had already been all prepared to bring a baby home. But there I was with the same unknowns still ahead of me. There I was needing to prepare to bring my baby home. It didn't feel fair that I was going through all of this again. I've already had my first baby. I didn't like that these were the worries weighing on my mind all over again. I've been through this before ...and for what?
So I cried about it. I cried and pitied myself.
I needed that cry and (I'm sure lots of women could agree) sometimes you just feel better after a good cry. And thankfully since that early morning I've had a change in outlook in preparing for this little guy to join our family. Perhaps it's just been an outlook change on how I see myself and life. With Luke I wanted everything to be just perfect and for everything to be perfectly ready and in place for his arrival. I've realized now that there will always be more to do and more to get done and that's okay. I've realized that I'm just going to do my best and the rest will just have to work itself out. It's not worth getting stressed out about. Do I see things this way now because I can see that nothing seems to go as planned in our life? Or am I seeing things this way now because it was too wearing to beat myself up over things that I didn't do or didn't go perfectly? Either way I'm grateful I'm coming around to a more relaxed outlook -hopefully not to be confused with complacency or idleness. Either way even though there are baby clothes to organize and a nursery to finish getting ready, it's okay. This little guy can be born because all that doesn't really matter. We just want to meet him and hold him in our arms and love him.