Due to Trevor's traveling for work he wasn't able to come with me and because I'm so far along already, we decided not to wait to schedule the ultrasound for any later.
I wish going to this appointment held the same wonder and awe that Luke's first ultrasound held. I remember seeing Luke's spine and just being in awe at the creation that had already formed inside of me! What a miracle. I was just all smiles and so in love with the experience of getting to see him. It seemed unreal, yet it made it all seem more real.
Today that excitement that had been felt with Luke was replaced with anxiety. Is everything okay? How's his brain? How's his heart? Everything looks okay to me, but I don't really know what I'm looking for.
I asked Greg, the ultrasound-guy, if he reviews results with me or if the midwife does that. He says he does and if there are any concerns he'd bring in the midwife or doctor to look at it and we would discuss it together.
I try to relax and enjoy the truly miraculous sneak-peak in to my womb. Yet between trying to get the video chat on my phone working so Trevor can watch, trying to see and understand what Greg was doing and looking at, and all my anxiety wondering if everything is okay, I simply couldn't experience this moment the same way that I did Luke's ultrasound.
Why isn't the ultrasound guy saying anything?
During Luke's ultrasound Arvydas talked to us about everything he saw--telling us the placenta was in a good place, that Luke's heart looked good, that his kidneys looked good, everything that Arvydas showed us he had confirmed that it looked good.
Why isn't this guy telling me all of those things? Is there something wrong? He's been trying to look at the spine for so long now? Different angles? The little words he typed and saved with that image said "something ... sac." Is there some sort of growth? Spina Bifida? Did I not consume enough folate in those early months? I really was doing my best, but I know I missed some days of prenatals while we were traveling. I know there are some days my folic acid intake levels weren't great, because of the eating fast food on the road. What if I've done something to cause our son to have a disorder?
Prayers in my heart were being said that everything is okay.
It took a while for Greg to get a look at everything he wanted to see, because this little baby did not want to change positions. Nudging and continued efforts to get other angles insued. This kind of prolonged experirnce made my mind race with more questions about everything being okay. He finally finishes up and sits at the computer looking through the images. My mind is still wondering what he's seeing, what he's looking at, and how long it will be before he brings someone else in to verify that there is some sort of problem. He cleans the gel off of my stomach, hands me a printout of some pictures, and as I'm gathering my stuff and about to walk out the door FINALLY says, "Everything looks good."
What a relief because I was still waiting for him to bring someone else in to look over things!
I left feeling so overwhelmed. Relieved .... and guilty.
After I left the office building I sat on a bench in a little grassy courtyard area, looked over the pictures, and cried. All the anxiety that had built up needed to be let off one way or another. Then I continued to cry because I felt so bad that I had not been able to enjoy this milestone and miraculous moment with my baby. My heart just ached and longed to be able to enjoy these moments, but my fear could not be combated.
In spite of the overwhelming and anxiety filled experience I am grateful to have a healthy baby growing inside of me.