Helping Broken Hearts

Trevor and I have a friend Katie from Minnesota where he served his mission. Katie has a friend who in addition to having Katie as a mutual friend, unfortunately, now has another connection to us.

Her sweet baby girl wasn't moving and slipped quietly back to heaven before she was born. 

I hate having this in common with people. I wish that it didn't have to happen to anyone else. My heart breaks each time I hear about other parents experiencing the loss of their sweet babies.

My friend Katie is an amazing woman. She moved right in to action to help this family. She has set up a blog to help raise money for this family to be able to handle the financial burden of loss. There are items that have been donated for sale as well as an option to just make a cash donation. Any excess in donations will be passed on to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. 

 Here's the blog for their sweet baby Alice 

http://alice-was-here.org/

If you feel like you are able, I know a donation to this family would mean so much to them.

Grieving Cheerfully

I feel like I was prepared in so many different ways for Luke's death. Not that you can ever really be prepared for an unexpected death of a loved one, but reflecting on things, I feel like God truly took me by the hand and lead me to do and learn certain things before Luke's death which helped me later.

Last night I was at a Relief Society class focusing on simplifying things. Many suggestions were shared for a myriad of regular activities women and moms participate in. One woman who I really admire, shared a suggestion she learned from someone else which she has tried to implement.

Laundry. What household task could be more never-ending than laundry? So the suggestion was to make doing laundry an opportunity to reflect on each family member as you sorted through each of their clothing items. Think about them -- their stage of life, things you love about them, etc. She shared how this has really helped her enjoy this mundane task.

As she shared this it brought to memory an insight I had while I was pregnant with Luke. I remember coming to the realization; my life was forever going to be filled with mundane tasks -- laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. The words of a scripture took meaning in a new way "let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power" (D&C 123:17). I knew my happiness was going to be in my attitude. I recall reflecting on that as I prepared for Luke to join our family.

Oh how I would have given anything to be able to be doing the mundane tasks of motherhood for that baby boy!

And then, just this morning, I realized I guess instead of cheerfully changing diapers or doing laundry I grieved cheerfully. Or rather, am grieving, cheerfully. Grief is so different for everyone, but for me I truly feel like I am able to focus on the positive things.

I will get to raise Luke one day.
Because of Christ, Luke (and all of our family members) will be resurrected one day.
Luke was so perfect that he did not need to withstand that trials and adversities of this life.
The promise of being with Luke is one more reason or incentive to keep God's commandments, so I can be with him again one day.
We have a family member who, hopefully, is looking after us and loves us more than I'm sure we even realize.

These are just some of the positive things that I truly have cheerfully been able to recognize and remember. Grief is different for everyone and even different for each person at different times. I don't expect others to handle their grief in a similar way. Nevertheless, I feel like because I keep these blessings and truths in the forefront of my mind I have been perhaps buffered  from more painful feelings associated with death and have been able to grieve just a little more cheerfully than perhaps what is normal. For that I am grateful.

17 Months

Time passes quickly in our home. We find ourselves quite occupied caring for your brother Jeremy. The months pass so quickly. I am astounded that it's been 17 months since we were with you. Before we know it, it will be 18 months. The time may go quickly, but our hearts still long for you. We love you and think about you every day. Your brother is lucky to have you to watch after him, I hope that you do some of the time.

Love you! Love, your mommy.  

Facebook Page

I've been meaning to do this for a while (unfortunately the motto of my life!), I've created a facebook page for this blog.

Most of my blog traffic comes from facebook. I must confess I'm almost always surprised at how many people click my links and come over to see what I've posted. Thanks for showing interest in what I have to say, especially when it can be so long-winded, rarely includes pictures, tends to be about the weighty topic of grief, and is often long ramblings of my personal thoughts.

So a big THANK YOU! It means a lot to me that people are interested.

I decided to create the facebook page for a few reasons.

1) Sometimes it just seems disjointed to post links to my blog about pregnancy anxieties and then something a little more typical for a facebook status like "I can't believed I burned my toast again! I swear half the loaf is in the garbage can!" I guess that's how my days really are. In real life it's not separate so I'm not sure why, but it just seems better to be able to have it coming from a different source.

2) A few people have asked me if it's okay if they share my blog with someone they know who has experienced a loss. My blog isn't private (meaning you can find it via google), but perhaps now it'll be easier to just direct them to the facebook page.

3) I often think that people may not want their news feeds inundated with pregnancy loss stuff so sometimes I just don't post blog posts to my facebook status. Yet I know some people are probably interested in it (or at least they click on the links when I do post it on my status updates.) I know you can adjust what comes through on your news feeds, but now you can like the page if you want to still follow this stuff.

So be sure to like my Burdens Made Light page if you want updates. I'll be posting stuff from there in the future and not on my personal status updates.

Christmas 2012

I would be foolish to try to deny that I received the best Christmas present ever!  Well, I guess he arrived a bit before Christmas.

We've loved having Jeremy with us through the holidays. He even got to be the star of the show and play baby Jesus as we acted out the nativity on Christmas Eve with our nieces and nephews who live in Virginia.

This year definitely contrasted last Christmas, when I had such aching, empty arms. Even though Jeremy is with us and fills our arms and hearts and time, we still miss our Luke.

It's times like these that I wish we lived near Luke's grave. I wanted to be there for the Christmas Eve candle lighting that happens in the cemetery. If there wasn't a candle burning on his grave it isn't because he isn't loved. Because he is. Very much. I wanted very much to be able to honor him and bring something Christmasy to adorn his grave.

Christmas morning, before we ventured over to my brother- and sister-in-laws house, I sat under our tree holding Jeremy and telling Trevor, with tears in my eyes just that. I wish we could have been there to honor him.

But we weren't. So in my heart I carried the memory of Luke with me as we continued on our day with all of our festivities. Though it can be bittersweet, I am grateful for both of my baby boys.

Prayers for Newton

I let out an audible gasp, as I read the headlines about last Friday's shooting. I could hardly believe the terror I was reading.

So many beautiful things have been written in response to this tragic event. I do not feel like I have anything profound to add. Yet, these sweet children and their families have been on my mind this past week.

I think of them. I think of the heartache to lose a child.

I don't know what it's like to be a victim of a terrible and evil crime. That is a pain and a trial I hope I never have to face.

Yet I do know what it is like to have your world turned upside down when you learn that your loved one will no longer be a part of your life  . . . or at least not in the way you imagined, because not a day will go by that you don't think of your child. I do know what it's like to have to behold a small casket and have a heart that longs for your child to just be in your arms again.

I am heartbroken for these families --for the families of the children and the adults who were killed last week.

I am grateful to the Parkers for, as hard as it must be, to have taken the time to speak out and allow many of us who are aching with them to hear from them and how they're coping. I am deeply impressed by their ability to not judge and to not harvest anger.

Last night I watched as my first-grade niece read How the Grinch Stole Christmas to her little brother and sister. That could have been her. She could have been one the the innocent children taken from us. I feel like I can't look at these children the same way and I'm sure every parent has hugged and kissed their child a little more since that day.

As my heart continues to ache for these families they continue to be in my prayers, as I am sure they are in many peoples prayers.