Mom-to-be Anxieties - Again

One early morning a few months ago (yep another one of those sleepless mornings) I found myself in the nursery in the rocking chair. With some baby clothes in hand I just sat there and cried. It didn't feel right to be feeling the anxiety of a soon-to-be new mom. Feeling like there was so much to do before this baby is born. Feeling frustrated that I still don't know if I have the things I need for a baby. Enough clothes? The right sizes? The right seasons? How many diapers do I need to stock up on? Are there other items I need but I just haven't thought of? Here I was trying to figure this all out like it's my first time. I hated sitting there feeling like I had so many unknowns about what my life was going to be like as a new mom. Feeling unsure about labor and delivery. Feeling the wonder of how I'll be as a parent. I hated feeling all of this because it didn't seem fair.

I had already felt these first-time mom feelings. I had already been down that road. I had already sorted through these anxieties once before. I had already been all prepared to bring a baby home. But there I was with the same unknowns still ahead of me. There I was needing to prepare to bring my baby home. It didn't feel fair that I was going through all of this again. I've already had my first baby. I didn't like that these were the worries weighing on my mind all over again. I've been through this before ...and for what?

So I cried about it. I cried and pitied myself.

*****

I needed that cry and (I'm sure lots of women could agree) sometimes you just feel better after a good cry. And thankfully since that early morning I've had a change in outlook in preparing for this little guy to join our family. Perhaps it's just been an outlook change on how I see myself and life. With Luke I wanted everything to be just perfect and for everything to be perfectly ready and in place for his arrival. I've realized now that there will always be more to do and more to get done and that's okay. I've realized that I'm just going to do my best and the rest will just have to work itself out. It's not worth getting stressed out about. Do I see things this way now because I can see that nothing seems to go as planned in our life? Or am I seeing things this way now because it was too wearing to beat myself up over things that I didn't do or didn't go perfectly? Either way I'm grateful I'm coming around to a more relaxed outlook -hopefully not to be confused with complacency or idleness. Either way even though there are baby clothes to organize and a nursery to finish getting ready, it's okay. This little guy can be born because all that doesn't really matter. We just want to meet him and hold him in our arms and love him.