Sunday, October 7, 2012

Taking time to ponder and write

I realize that taking the time to write was a gift that I gave myself --especially while we still lived in Payson. If Trevor was a work or school and I spent a few hours in the morning thinking, reading, praying, crying, writing, or whatever I felt so inclined to do, I simply gave myself permission to do that.

Since we moved I wonder if I've felt like there has "been too much to do" so I haven't allowed myself to write the things that are in my mind and heart. "I'll do it later" runs through my head  . . . and then I never do. Or I'll start writing and never finish .

About a month ago I started writing about things on my mind and even made a whole list things that I wanted to write about. I just haven't made it happen. (And upon just checking I realize I have about 30 drafts in my posts right now!)

I haven't not been writing because I haven't been sorting through emotions of loss and pregnancy after loss -I just haven't given myself permission to do it. Or maybe it's just been to overwhelming to try to sort through it along with everything else.

Since we moved in May emotions have definitely been all over the place for me! Perhaps in part because of pregnancy hormones yet perhaps because of other things too! I was starting to wonder if I was simply crazy and an emotional basket case when I confided in a woman in my ward. Thankfully, she reminded me about all the different stresses (some positive and some negative) in my life that I've gone through in the last year, she reassured me that it's normal to have some breakdowns.

Here are a few of the big things:

  • The anticipation of a new baby
  • Luke's death
  • Getting (and being) pregnant
  • Moving across the country
  • Grieving the loss of friends/family/places that were a way of life
  • Adjusting to a new area
  • Trying to make friends
  • The anticipation of a new baby
  • Adjusting to Trevor (unexpectedly) traveling for work and being gone Mon-Thur (I'm okay posting that on the world wide web now that he's done with it!)
  • Unpacking and settling into a new home without the help of Trevor (so glad to have him back around now!)

So even though I feel like generally I'm okay with "dealing" with these things and even enjoy many of them the fact of the matter is that they are pretty big stresses. So while I try to be positive and happy I think all the change has taken a bit of toll on me!

Hopefully I can recommit to giving myself the time to ponder, write, and sort through thoughts and feelings because there are so many of them!


  1. I love you, Shelley. You have gone through and are going through so much. Hang in there!

  2. I'm so glad that Trevor is done with traveling for work! It's so much harder to deal with everything when your spouse is gone.