Facebook Page

I've been meaning to do this for a while (unfortunately the motto of my life!), I've created a facebook page for this blog.

Most of my blog traffic comes from facebook. I must confess I'm almost always surprised at how many people click my links and come over to see what I've posted. Thanks for showing interest in what I have to say, especially when it can be so long-winded, rarely includes pictures, tends to be about the weighty topic of grief, and is often long ramblings of my personal thoughts.

So a big THANK YOU! It means a lot to me that people are interested.

I decided to create the facebook page for a few reasons.

1) Sometimes it just seems disjointed to post links to my blog about pregnancy anxieties and then something a little more typical for a facebook status like "I can't believed I burned my toast again! I swear half the loaf is in the garbage can!" I guess that's how my days really are. In real life it's not separate so I'm not sure why, but it just seems better to be able to have it coming from a different source.

2) A few people have asked me if it's okay if they share my blog with someone they know who has experienced a loss. My blog isn't private (meaning you can find it via google), but perhaps now it'll be easier to just direct them to the facebook page.

3) I often think that people may not want their news feeds inundated with pregnancy loss stuff so sometimes I just don't post blog posts to my facebook status. Yet I know some people are probably interested in it (or at least they click on the links when I do post it on my status updates.) I know you can adjust what comes through on your news feeds, but now you can like the page if you want to still follow this stuff.

So be sure to like my Burdens Made Light page if you want updates. I'll be posting stuff from there in the future and not on my personal status updates.

Christmas 2012

I would be foolish to try to deny that I received the best Christmas present ever!  Well, I guess he arrived a bit before Christmas.

We've loved having Jeremy with us through the holidays. He even got to be the star of the show and play baby Jesus as we acted out the nativity on Christmas Eve with our nieces and nephews who live in Virginia.

This year definitely contrasted last Christmas, when I had such aching, empty arms. Even though Jeremy is with us and fills our arms and hearts and time, we still miss our Luke.

It's times like these that I wish we lived near Luke's grave. I wanted to be there for the Christmas Eve candle lighting that happens in the cemetery. If there wasn't a candle burning on his grave it isn't because he isn't loved. Because he is. Very much. I wanted very much to be able to honor him and bring something Christmasy to adorn his grave.

Christmas morning, before we ventured over to my brother- and sister-in-laws house, I sat under our tree holding Jeremy and telling Trevor, with tears in my eyes just that. I wish we could have been there to honor him.

But we weren't. So in my heart I carried the memory of Luke with me as we continued on our day with all of our festivities. Though it can be bittersweet, I am grateful for both of my baby boys.

Prayers for Newton

I let out an audible gasp, as I read the headlines about last Friday's shooting. I could hardly believe the terror I was reading.

So many beautiful things have been written in response to this tragic event. I do not feel like I have anything profound to add. Yet, these sweet children and their families have been on my mind this past week.

I think of them. I think of the heartache to lose a child.

I don't know what it's like to be a victim of a terrible and evil crime. That is a pain and a trial I hope I never have to face.

Yet I do know what it is like to have your world turned upside down when you learn that your loved one will no longer be a part of your life  . . . or at least not in the way you imagined, because not a day will go by that you don't think of your child. I do know what it's like to have to behold a small casket and have a heart that longs for your child to just be in your arms again.

I am heartbroken for these families --for the families of the children and the adults who were killed last week.

I am grateful to the Parkers for, as hard as it must be, to have taken the time to speak out and allow many of us who are aching with them to hear from them and how they're coping. I am deeply impressed by their ability to not judge and to not harvest anger.

Last night I watched as my first-grade niece read How the Grinch Stole Christmas to her little brother and sister. That could have been her. She could have been one the the innocent children taken from us. I feel like I can't look at these children the same way and I'm sure every parent has hugged and kissed their child a little more since that day.

As my heart continues to ache for these families they continue to be in my prayers, as I am sure they are in many peoples prayers.

16 Months

While doing some Christmas shopping I had to take a break to nurse and change Jeremy. While I was in the nice mother's lounge in the department store many people came and went. Older women, grandmothers, and even young mothers like myself. Just as we were finishing up a young mother came in with her daughter. She was a cute little girl. As she laid her down to change her diaper the two of them smiled at each other and practiced words. "Bocas," the mom said as she pointed to her lips and her daughter repeated the words. "Ojos," the little girl said smiling as she pointed to her own eyes.

"Bebe? Do you see the bebe?" The daughter says "bebe" as she sits in her stroller looking over at us. The mother and I begin to engage in conversation. "How old is he?"

"6 weeks," I reply. "How old is your daughter?"

"15 months."

"She's adorable." And I finish packing up our belongings with tears in my eyes.

*****

I have friends who had babies the same time Luke was born. I have watched them grow, but only through pictures since we've moved. I knew they were growing in size, but I hadn't consciously considered the developmental milestones they're moving through.

Talking.

Luke would be talking.

It broke my heart to be missing out on that.

Yes, I know that Jeremy will talk one day. But there I was, tears in my eyes, my heart so grateful to have Jeremy in my arms and with me, but hurting for the experiences that I'm not having with Luke.

I miss him. And even though I know it wasn't his time to be with our family and that I will get to raise him one day it was hard knowing I don't have that now.

Miss you, little guy!