Ultrasounds, Gender, Due Dates, & Names: how I really feel

Ultrasounds.

I kinda hate them.

They stress me out. That's about all there is to it. They were fun at first. And then we had to have an ultrasound to confirm whether our baby was alive or not.

He wasn't.

Yeah, that was pretty crappy.

Like I've mentioned before (here and here), I still don't like ultrasounds, because now I know that that's when some couples find out about conditions that mean their child won't live outside of the womb ...or if they will, it won't be for more than a few hours.

Yeah, that's crappy.

I miss being naive and just thinking that everything would be perfect. Can I just get over it and go back to the way things were? And just enjoy the miraculous experience of getting to see inside the womb and see your baby moving and see all the little miraculous parts formed?

Maybe . . . one day.

But not today.

So my sweet husband has to suffer the grumpy-stressed-out-Shelley while he's totally calm, thrilled, and excitedly looking forward to the gender reveal! Bless him for putting up with me!

*****

So I have opinions. I'm sure people who can't conceive at all think that it's stupid that I have opinions and should just be grateful that I can conceive. And, don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for that, but I still have opinions. 

With Luke, I didn't care, I just wanted a healthy baby. 

Didn't get it. 

With my next pregnancy I wanted a girl, because I didn't want it to be anything like my first pregnancy. 

Didn't get it. 

Now I just wanted Jeremy to have the brother he doesn't have. Well, he has Luke as a brother, but I wanted him to have a little buddy --here and now-- who he can be friends with, be silly with, drive mommy crazy with. I like my boys, even if one is in Heaven, and I wanted another one. 

Well ... the story unfolds and guess what! Yep, still don't get what I want. 

Ya know, I'm okay with it. I really am. Because I know God knows us and our family and I know that He will send whoever needs to be the perfect addition for our family here and now. I know He knows best and I know He is in control. I know that. I really do. And I'm sure she'll win our hearts just as Jeremy has. I know that. 

But it doesn't change the fact that I like holding my newborn boys. The fact that holding my little infant boy brings back the fading memory of what it was like to hold Luke. It doesn't change the fact that I would love to hold another little boy of mine in my arms who looks like his oldest brother. 

So I'll get over it. And I'm sure I'll be totally smitten with this little one. 

And the good news. We don't have to try to come up with a BOY NAME that we both like! What a relief! 

*****

Okay, while I'm at it with complaining about things (don't get me wrong I have a million and half wonderful things in my life right now, I'm just trying to be honest with how I'm really feelings about things!). I'm frustrated with my midwives practice trying to change my due date around. 

I generally have pretty regular cycles so I don't see why going off the first date of my last menstrual cycle is such a bad idea. There's the day, start counting the weeks, and there you go! Due date (or range as I prefer) calculated! 

No, no, no. We gotta go throwing measurements in to the mix! The measurements are pushing my due date to be later, which normally I'd be fine with. Even quite happy about. Give baby plenty of time to cook if needed without the added hassle of "You're exactly forty weeks! Have you had the baby?!" Since a normal range is 37-42 weeks I think that method is hogwash anyway. So in any other circumstance I'd jump on the opportunity to extend my due date to be later. 

But this time...

this time I don't like it because it makes it nearly parallel the days that Luke was "due."

I know, it's just a date. It shouldn't matter. But to me it does. 

Luckily I'm under the mindset of whenever baby comes, baby comes, so it's not as bad as if I were so fixated on the days. But still. I like that time to kind of just be it's own thing.

But like most things in life --It's Out of My Control! 

So I'm moving on. I'm gonna get over it and I'm gonna stop dwelling on the things that don't matter. But today, today, I just needed to be honest about how I really felt about it. 

*****

Okay, I lied about moving on, one more thing! Could everyone stop naming their kids the names that I've had picked out since I was in middle school? 

I know, I know, it doesn't matter. Tons of people have the same name as other people (except I never had another Shelley in my classes EVER), but like I said, it doesn't really matter. I'm kinda just that way though, I don't like showing up to an event wearing the same thing as someone else (Thanks Mom for making my Prom dresses!) and I'm not trying to name my kid the same as everyone else. It just happens to be that the names I love weren't popular 15 years ago when I added them to my "this is what I want to name my kids" list, but we all know name trends change. 

Okay, I'm over it. They're family names and I still love them and I didn't steal them from you. So I'm ready to stop being weird about it. Great. Glad I could get that over with. 

*****

I'm gonna go get another scoop of chocolate chips now and eat them.

Updated: I went and did just that. Ate way more chocolate chips than I should have, took a nap, and started thinking about some of the cute little girl outfits I already own from when I thought Jeremy was going to be girl. Already feeling better about things.

Visiting The Cemetery - January 2014

Some people have favorite places or things to do which they make a point to add to their agenda when they're back in their "hometown." You know, pizza parlors, other restaurants, favorite stores, perhaps visiting their alma mater.

Our family?

Whenever we're in Utah we go to the cemetery.

I don't know if calling it a "favorite place" is quite the right thing. Yet it is an event that always makes it on to our agenda when we're in town.

I never went to Luke's grave regularly. Some people go daily or weekly after they lose a loved one. I went whenever I felt so inclined. I didn't necessarily feel like it brought me closer to Luke to be there. I guess I got that from attending the Provo temple every week instead. I was there to honor him and bring something fresh to adorn his grave. I did a lot of remembering and connecting too while I was there, but I didn't need to go there to do that.

When I would go there with Trevor we used to talk about how one day . . . one future day . . . we would surely be there with lots of little ones running around as we brought them together to honor their older brother.

That day isn't too far off. We at least have one little guy cruisin' down the road in front of Luke's grave and doing laps around the headstone. I'm grateful Jeremy is able to be there with us. I am grateful he has an older brother who can look out for him, even if it's not in the "normal" older-brother way. I am grateful to see our family growing and God's plans for us unfolding.

It's always special to get to be back at the cemetery even if it brings back the painful feelings of all the events that unfolded that week in August . . .  not even two and half years ago. When we let the memories come back to us, it feels even more recent.

*****

We know you're busy doing work on the other side of the veil, but we hope you know we came to visit your grave. We love you dearly and will never forget about you.