How do I answer the question --"Do you have any kids?"--?
This first expert is from a blog post I wrote a few weeks after Luke was born. It was part of a writing that I could not and still can not seem to make much sense of for a reader. Like I said, I think it just goes to show how there is no clear way to explain each awkward situation and my inability to answer clearly.
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The first week back at church we thought if anyone inquired about our baby we could just tell them, "We left him at home." Can you imagine what people might think?! They'd think we were completely irresponsible and a little bit crazy (which might be kinda true). We thought it was better that they think we're crazy than us try to have to explain why our son wasn't with us at church. Luckily, no one asked.
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Here are two incidents from the past week and how I responded:
I was cutting my friend, Genn's, hair at her house. A friend of hers, whom I did not know, came over to see the new cut. Making small talk, she asks if my husband and I have any children. I respond, "Yes, we have one son." Choosing not to elaborate I leave it at that. She asks what his name is. "Luke." And we discuss the spelling of the name. Then she inquires, "How old is he?" I inform her that he was born the same weekend as Genn's baby.
All of my statements are true. Yet it was somewhat deceptive. This woman thinks that I have a handsome, nearly, 6-month-old baby probably being watched currently by my husband who is on his way to pick me up for our dinner date.
When in reality I am the mother of a child that is no longer living. I am a mother that takes fresh flowers to my child's grave. I am the mother that aches to hold a baby that is my own.
Yet how could I tell her that? When she is making small talk, how could I inform her of my reality?
Tonight a woman at a Relief Society activity (not in my own ward) casually asks if we have any children. I fumble over words and say something to the affect of "...well no, i mean...not currently living...with us..." and scrunch up my face in confusion at the words I said that just came out of my own mouth. That fumble of words didn't even make sense! Not living with us? Did we give him up for adoption? Does he live with someone else?
Yet how do I tell a stranger, without making her sorry she asked, that our first and only child was stillborn, while sitting on the other side of me is a pregnant woman of twins, nonetheless, (which chances are more likely that her babies will suffer a "cord accident")?
I hope to never deny Luke's existence. He is my son. He is my child. Yet sometimes it's just not the right time to tell someone of the horror of your reality or the horror that could potentially be their reality.
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Sorry to any woman who has started reading this blog and has the fear of your baby's umbilical cord tying in a knot ...or a fear of any other thing that may cause fetal demise. I wish I could tell you it doesn't happen. I wish I could tell you it won't happen to you, but that's a reality I can't promise you. And that's a truth I hate to bring to any woman's understanding.
I have yet to answer this question. I never want to deny Isaac and Porter's existence but I don't know how I will acknowledge it without over sharing with random people and making them feel awkward. Sometimes I wish I had a shirt or a button that says, "mother to dead babies" and then no one would ask.
ReplyDeleteThat reminds me of the song/music video, Beautiful Heartbreak, by Hilary Weeks which I posted about a while ago http://blog.trevorandshelley.com/2011/10/i-am-face.html -everyone has a sign summarizing his or her trial or grief. Wouldn't that make things a little more clear...?
ReplyDeleteI like how the Parrys say that they have a sister, but she is in heaven. She is always mentioned as part of their family.
ReplyDeleteI like what your friend Sarah says. I think that makes it less awkward. You could always just say, "Yes, I have a son, but he lives in heaven now." I'm sure it will become less awkward as time passes, but I just figured if I was the girl making small talk, that would be plenty of info without sounding awkward. You're not an awkward person though Shelley. I'm sure people already feel that from you. :)
ReplyDelete:-) You're nice to say I'm not awkward...some times I really can be! I like what Sarah says too. I've thought about a response like that - it just hasn't ever been the words that come to mind in the moment.
DeleteShelley, this is beautiful, as always. jWhile I don't understand the intricacies of your specific situation, I can feel your frustration, your sadness, your longing, and the awkwardness you're experiencing through your writing. When we were trying for months to get pregnant (not nearly as long as some, I know) people would ask when we wanted to have children. Most times I could just say "hopefully soon, we'll see." On one particular occasion I just burst into tears, leaving everyone in the room feeling awkward. At the end of it all, I realize that you can only do what you can in the moment and accept your answers as genuine for the time. Again, it's not at all the same situation and I'll not even try to compare, but I love how you are so genuine in those moments while still (selflessly) caring for others' feelings. What a remarkable example you are.
ReplyDeleteI make a point not to ask people personal or sensitive questions. I wait for them to tell me. This goes for: are you married, what church do you attend, do you have any children, do you work outside the home, what is your background... I just don't ask unless someone asks me first and then I know it's okay to proceed.
ReplyDeleteA dear friend of mine suffers from pretty serious infertility. The sweet women in her ward are always asking her if she is going to start a family. Of course she is/wants to. I pretty much always believe a married couple wants to have a family, especially in our Church (maybe that's a generalization.) So I just don't ask. Same goes for single people and marriage. I just don't ask it.
I think sometimes it's hard to know what questions may or may not be sensitive depending on the situation. I like what Amy says in the next comment about asking to really know and care instead of for just "small talk." But not asking definitely leaves you on the safe side!
DeleteI think, for me, people's intent makes all the difference...maybe I'll write more on that later.
Shelley,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts, even though it is difficult. My heart just breaks when I think of your story! I have had a similar, though not really comparable, story when I miscarried at 11 weeks. People would ask me if I was pregnant and I'd have to in reality say "yes, but the baby is dead?" It was so uncomfortable - what should I say? I've learned in those times God can give you what to say. I think you are doing a great job answering the questions others ask you! Don't let yourself think to long on what they may think. You don't have to divulge everything to be honest.
On the other side (as the person doing the asking), it makes me think twice about questions I ask people - do I really care about them and to hear the answers? Am I prepared to be sensitive to any situation? or am I "just making small talk?". It makes me want to be much more sincere.
Gen's hair looks awesome by the way :) You have such a talent!
First off, my heart goes out to you for your loss.
DeleteI like your conclusion on being more aware of really communicating with people vs "just small talk." It makes me think a little more on connections with people.
Glad you like Genn's hair. Let me know if you ever need a cut. :-)
Shelley, I think I can understand to some extent your frustration and confusion as to how to tell people things. A friend of mine lost her twins at 26 weeks during her pregnancy, and I had a hard time telling her I was pregnant, feeling that she would be sad, or reminded of her loss, or that she would take it the wrong way. But she was happy for me. I don't know how, but somehow she was able to compartmentalize her grief and still be happy for me.
ReplyDeleteAs for making people feel scared that they might lose their baby/babies? I may be weird, but I have had that fear all the time. I have a sister-in-law and another friend who's babies only lived a few minutes. I have friends who miscarried, you who gave birth to Luke stillborn, a friend whose baby died of SIDS when he was 7 months... I think anyone who has educated themselves on birth knows the risk, and it doesn't go away after they're born. I have come to deal with it, knowing that whatever happens, as long as I am doing my best to live the way I should and take care of myself and my children (unborn and living), will be God's will. I had an episode a week or so ago, thinking of you and Luke and nearly hyperventilating, thinking I needed to insist that I get an ultrasound to make sure that nothing happened like with Luke. But, I remember praying, and telling the Lord that I knew I was probably just freaking out, and if I needed to have an ultrasound, to bring it to mind to me when I was at the doctor's the next week. It didn't come to mind. God is watching over us. He loves us. And though we do not always completely understand what happens to us, God sees all. I am so grateful for the example you set for me. I love and miss you and hope that sometime you'll be able to not have such a hard time answering that question. I love you
So glad that you and your baby are still doing well. It's true, there is comfort to be found in God's will when we know we are doing everything that we can and that is right. What faith you, too, exemplify.
DeleteI love that you always comment. I write because it's an outlet for me, but it's also nice to hear others' responses to my ramblings!
Shelley, you're sweet. I love reading your thoughts on this blog. You're a great example to me and I just love you to pieces!
ReplyDeleteThanks Jenny. I most definitely need an invite to your blog! Especially since I won't be at book club after April.
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