My little Luke, today I longed for you. It was a wonderful day at church -- full of inspiring and heartfelt messages as we remembered pioneers and our ancestors, talked about faith, and trials and tribulations, and serving and loving others. With my heart full, I turned open the Hymn book to sing the final song of the day --89 The Lord is My Light. I missed you. I thought about singing this song at your funeral and my heart was turned toward you. I wanted to hold you and know you. I sang my praises to God and smiled and hurt all at the same time.
Lately I have been so consumed with raising your brother and sister. It's a hard thing --raising kids. It's even more trying if I haven't slept enough or if no one is listening to me. They consume me and most of my energy. So perhaps time has softened my grief or perhaps it's the utter demands on me from day to day life, whatever the reason my heart doesn't usually have time to just sit and be with you.
But today . . . today I felt you. I felt my heart drawn out to you. I felt the pain of losing you. I felt the mother's love that I have for you. Albeit for just the brief moments while we sang the hymn, which to my dismay was cut short. I was ready to just let the tears fall from my face, but they did not.
I love you and miss you and can't wait to know you and see what your personality is like.
Love, your mommy.