Dancing is good for the soul!

This past weekend I had was able to participate in some very beautiful experiences that I don't know if I can put into words, but I'm going to try.

I don't know if these woman know how much I admire and respect them or that I even consider them my friends. I feel like anyone that I dance with becomes my friend even if I don't stay in touch with them. There is a love and a respect and a bond that is created in my heart after countless hours are spent together doing what we both love so much - dancing. I seriously love these women. I love their ambition. Their inspiration. Their courage to do wonderful things. I love their caring hearts and I admire their beautiful talent as dancers.

A few of these women that I admire so much have created a wonderful organization called Artist, Interrupted. They put it so simply on their website, "An 'artist, interrupted' is a woman who has placed her art on hold from five minutes to fifty years, in order to support family needs, career changes, relocation, or just life in general…because sometimes, life just happens."  Even though our art is "on hold" they have created an opportunity to share and be a part of art, by hosting or organizing a variety of events.

Last weekend there was a conference and a performance in Salt Lake City. I had debated whether or not I should participate in the performance. I wanted to, but wasn't very confident that I could choreograph a dance worth watching. With a little encouragement, I decided last minute to do it.

It was stressful! I kept putting off working on my choreography until the day of the show! Crazy, I know. I've never felt like I could choreograph very well and once I come up with something I can never remember what I had done. I just wasn't excited about it so it never became a priority to work on in the weeks before the show. I was committed to doing it so I had to come up with something! Well, with lots of prayer, and a few hours of dedicated focus, and a borrowed prop from a neighbor I was able to create a dance!

It was nothing profound. I was sure, because I knew who many of the other participating artists were, that the other works were going to just be lovely, have artistic depth, and performed with such skill. I tried to remember it's not about comparing (but you don't want to be the dud of the show!) and was relieved and grateful that I at least had created a minute solo to dance. We were each assigned a letter. Mine was 'L.' Here's my program note:

L is for Love
The things we love is what brings us joy. Whether it's family, blue skies, or a simple lollipop—there is always something to smile about!

My simple, joyful dance, I guess, had a little more depth in my heart. Because for me, 'L' is for Luke. My joy is knowing that I will get to be with him again one day! And it turns out my performance wasn't a total flop. With no one else around, a husband of one of the dancers said, "I really liked your dance. I hate modern dance, but I liked yours." Ha ha! I guess sometimes it's good to not have too much artistic depth!

Love my supportive husband!! 

Love this girl! Old roommate and dear friend, Melissa. She danced so beautifully!

There was a particularly beautiful piece that was rich and filled real artistic beauty. It touched my heart and I could feel my emotions rising in me and almost surfacing as tears. The final piece of the show for the letter 'Z' was choreographed by my friend, Jessie* who I knew had recently miscarried. It was titled "The End is Another Beginning."   Words cannot relate the profound things that you feel about that statement when you see them put into movement -that's why sometimes dance is simply the best medium to communicate a message. Images of the movement are ingrained in my mind and it's moments like those that I wish you could capture, and bottle up, and feel, and see whenever you'd like. But like time, live movement is fleeting, and can only be captured as a memory.

My longing to capture that 2 minute experience of seeing something that spoke to my heart is the same longing that I had to capture and retain every moment that I had with Luke. I wanted to remember everything about those few hours that I had with him. But it's fleeting. Certain images are ingrained in my mind and will be forever, but the details begin to become fuzzy and it's just not the same as being in the moment. Yet, there's nothing I can do to bring it back. My time to hold him in my arms ended. But it is a new beginning. A beginning of a life of looking forward to the day when I can be with him again. A beginning of creating a different life than I thought I would have. Each end truly is another beginning.

Jessie, thank you for your heartfelt movement that touched my heart. Your artistic ability has and continues to amaze me. Ashley, thank you for dancing that movement with such integrity. I will always admire your talent. 

The morning after the performance I was able to participate in a dance class taught by an incredible teacher**. Many of us had been her students when she taught at BYU and I don't think there isn't a person that doesn't love and admire her! It was wonderful to be able to take a dance class and be so self indulgent. Let me explain. For years and years I have danced to try to be the best in class (though that wasn't ever achieved), to please the teacher so I could get a good grade, or to show to the teacher that I was capable and a good candidate for the next company or performance I'd be auditioning for. But this time, I was dancing for me. It was wonderful to be surrounded by talented women that were all there just because we love to dance and to move. It wasn't a competition to see who could still get their leg the highest after having three kids or to see who could learn the movement the fastest or any other preposterous thing. We just wanted to dance.

It was emotional for me. It was emotional to be given such a wonderful opportunity by my friends to be able to come and participate in such an event. It was emotional to be given such a gift from Robin, our teacher, to give us the opportunity to dance and to learn. It was emotional to put my body in positions that I had been in during labor (child's pose and cobra). It was emotional to think back and remember that the last dance class I had taken was when I was pregnant with Luke.  Tears wet my face at the end of class as I thought about my son and the new child inside of me. There are no words to describe it, but it was good to be taken back to something that I love so much which used to be a part of my every day life. It was good to be taken back to the memory of birthing Luke. It was good to be taken back to the memory of dancing with him nearly a year ago. It was good to be surrounded with women that I love and admire and have touched my life.

Thank you, Elizabeth***, Keely, Karen, Robin, Kristen, and anyone else who made last weekend possible. I didn't know how much I needed it and needed to be a part of it and needed to interact with all these friends that I love so much. Thank you for your vision and all of your hard work to make it happen - what a generous gift you created for each of us. 

*****

*Jessie is also the founder and artistic director of Wasatch Contemporary Dance Company. They have an upcoming class, performance, and auditions. 

**This incredible teacher, Robin, also has an awesome website called Thank Your Body - a journey to real health. I'd recommend checking it out!

***Elizabeth has created an awesome project called Nap Time Dancers. It was started as a creative outlet for women who are focusing their energy, effort, and time on their families and don’t have many other opportunities to be dancing and choreographing; however, anyone interested in the project is welcome to submit works and participate.

Is it any wonder I admire these woman so much?!

All pregnancy loss is valid but can't be compared

The other day a friend shared a link and I ended up reading various posts on Birth Faith. I began reading her post Very Early Miscarriage. She related some experiences where she felt she was miscarrying even though she had never taken a positive pregnancy test. She communicated her frustration for the lack of sensitivity, emotional support, or acknowledgment for these losses.

I feel like anyone on the spectrum of pregnancy loss, even those that experience loss in the form on not being able to conceive, should be validated. I feel like others sometimes make comments that imply that they feel like their sorrows are not justified compared to mine because they lost their baby so early while I lost mine at full term. This "my loss is nothing compared to yours" attitude, in my opinion, isn't right.

Loss is loss. No matter if it occurs at 4 weeks or 40 weeks, it is a loss and its accompanying grief is real. I agree with the author of Gone to Soon who says, "To judge a the gravity of the loss by weeks of gestation is unfair."

I feel like so many of the emotions that may be experienced by mothers (or fathers) of loss can be similar -- sadness, questioning, heartbreak for the unrealized dreams of a future hoped for and even planned on (among many others). The feelings you experience with loss can't and shouldn't be denied and don't need to be minimized if you were earlier in your pregnancy. Nor can others who have carried their babies longer feel like their loss is greater (which I did initially) it is just different. It's not right to try to compare your grief or your loss. It is painful to each of us and the degree of pain and grief felt is determined by the individual not the weeks of gestation. 

Though the pain and feelings experienced may be similar or even the same or the circumstances regarding the loss might be similar, it is not right to even assume that you know what it's like for someone else. Everyone's experience is different and I don't think they can be compared. 

At the end of the blog post by this woman who experienced very early miscarriages,  I read the words "I have known the loss you feel." When I read those words I wanted to tell her:

"No you don't! You don't know the loss I feel. You don't know what it's like to give birth to your baby that has already died. You don't know what it's like to spend your initial post-partum recovery planning a funeral, selecting a burial site, and picking out your child's clothes for burial. You don't know what it's like to hold your baby in your arms with no life in him. You don't know what it's like to watch someone close a casket lid for you to never see your child again. You don't know what it's like to have to call your mother on the phone to tell her you're about to go deliver your baby that has died. You don't know what it's like to try to determine what you're going to say at a funeral or if you should even have a funeral. You don't know what it's like to visit the cemetery where you see your own name on a headstone because your baby is buried there. You don't know." 

As I continue to read over her words I don't think she really means, "I have known the loss you feel."  I think the point she is trying to make by saying those words is that thee feelings associated with loss are universal and can be experienced by anyone who goes through any type of loss. And I agree, full-heartedly, that the feelings of loss may be similar and are just as real at any stage in pregnancy. Yet each individuals' experiences are so different and cannot be compared. You cannot assume you know how anyone feels about their loss. So for her to just say, "I have known the loss you feel," is infuriating. Because she can't. She doesn't. Nor does anyone else. 

Only our all-knowing Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, could make that claim. They are the only ones that truly know how I feel. They are the only ones who understand my feelings that sometimes I can't even articulate or understand. Yes, having a community of others who have experienced loss is helpful, because sometimes we can understand and relate to each other's experiences, but only a relationship with a loving Father in Heaven can allow you to be truly and completely understood. He hears prayers that aren't spoken and understands feelings not shared. He knows every detail and emotion and is intimately concerned about each of us, His children. When we chose to turn to Him and pray to Him we can learn for ourselves of His love and perfect understanding that can only come from Him.

*****

Update: I received a nice message from the author of Birth Faith. She apologized for her writing being infuriating to me and acknowledged that she doesn't know the loss that I have felt. I believe that I misconstrued her intended meaning of those words and am sorry for that; however, I can't deny the thought process that they caused me to have.

Struggling

I've been struggling lately.

Struggling to get out. Struggling to get out of myself and serve those that I know I need to be watching after. Struggling to stick to my goals. Struggling to get to the grocery store. Struggling to plan meals and make dinners. Struggling to get to the gym. Struggling to clean up after myself. Struggling to get ready for the day. Struggling to not spend aimless time checking facebook updates and emails, all the while neglecting to reply to messages that have already been sent my way.

Is it grief? Is it pregnancy? Is it just normal struggling with life?

Perhaps I don't have to compartmentalize it and blame it all on one specific thing.

So for now, I guess it's just me, no matter the cause.

The good thing: I've recognized it. That means I can work on it. The great thing: I have a loving husband who is patient with me.

So, my goal for the day is to not get on the computer between everything I do. I have too much that needs to be accomplished and I want feel satisfied with how I spend my time today.

Here's to a better day than the ones previous!

Hospital Bills

Paying hospital bills is always a pretty sickening experience. I think the price of medical care is so high and I obviously don't understand it well enough to know if it's even justified, but one things for sure, it feels like a crock for them to charge so much money!


I don't know which is worse about my whole situation - that fact that the state of Utah doesn't recognize the death of a baby in utero as "a complication of pregnancy" so our insurance company won't cover the costs. Or that fact that the doctor has the gal to charge so much for doing so little.

Either way, even though the bills are now paid off, the whole thing infuriates me. And the late fees...yes they're my fault, but maybe if bills are sent out in relation to a death billing should allow a "grievance" period or something until they start even considering late fees. Because I sure wasn't on top of my mail and bills for a while after Luke's death and least of all the hospital bills that made me mad to even look at!

If anyone reading this has anything to do with hospital or doctor's office billing let me know. I'd love to talk to someone that could actually make a difference in the way bills are sent out to those paying for expenses related to a death.

Shopping for pregnancy test and graveside flowers

When I arrived at Walmart at 4:30 am on Monday morning (March 5, 2012) to purchase the pregnancy test to confirm my suspicions, I was so giddy and excited. When most women would purchase this item and be out of the store before the store greeter could even say "Welcome to Walmart," I stopped as soon as I spotted flowers and took my time to select the perfect ones to take to Luke.

Being delayed like this felt a little strange to me. I was there for a mission! I wanted desperately to know if I was actually pregnant. It's almost like time and my excited emotions stood still for me as I paused and took the time to think about Luke. My heart longed for him as much as ever and the anticipation of the prospect of another child couldn't take that away. I did what I always do, and methodically poured over all of the different bouquets. It wasn't a quick, hurried gesture that I was trying to do so I could get on with things. It was the same thoughtful, heartfelt searching for the perfect flowers for my son's grave.

I am grateful that I am able to continue to experience and feel my love for Luke at the same time that I begin to feel love for this new life. I am sure that this is something that anyone with more than one child could understand. It's just a bit different for me because my son dwells in heaven, yet the distinct love for them as individuals is the same.

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth: A must-read for all pregnant women

I have a few mom friends that I would always go to to ask questions about birth, breastfeeding, diapers -you name it. I loved their advice because not only are they experienced moms, but many of them are also thorough researchers too. I may not have a child with me but I have been through labor and delivery!

A few weeks ago I spent about an hour on the phone with a mom-to-be and the other day I spent almost the entire time at a BYU volleyball game with another mom-to-be just talking about birth stuff. I loved it. I love that now I'm one of those moms that has researched it and been there and done it. I love that I can share resources, thoughts, and experiences with my friends and moms-to-be.

I recently posted about my thoughts on Hypnobabies and what role it played in my birth. However, I think if there was just one thing that I could attribute to for having a positive birth experience (birth meaning the actually labor and delivery not the fact that our son had died just before) would be how my point of view changed after reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. 

The Hypnobabies focuses on not having negative thoughts or fear about birth, but I don't think it gave me enough facts to ease my mind - just told me to focus on the positive. Well I was still afraid. I was afraid I was going to have a really long labor and that I was going to get exhausted from laboring so long and that it was going to be painful! I think I was hopeful that I could do it, but wasn't sure it was something I could do.

Unfortunately in our world we're not told that we can do it. Every movie portrays a pregnant woman as a crazy, screaming woman. Our friends and our family members tell us that they couldn't have done it without an epidural or c-section. So why wouldn't we think that birth was extremely painful and impossible to do with out an epidural?

Before I continue let me just say, I never went into preparing for birth thinking I'm going to have a natural birth and I'm not going to use any medication for pain. I simply started doing research and once I learned more about the natural process of birth I learned that my body was capable to do this! And I think that is the message that we don't get from media or very many others around us.

Parts of the book that stick out in my mind which make some pretty good points about the perception of  pain are the following (do not read the first paragraph if you will be offended by the frank mention of sexual intercourse or feminine hygiene products):

"How is it possible that the same physical act [labor and birth] can be experienced in ways so completely different [both painful and painless]? To answer [this question], it may help to try thinking of labor and birth from a different angle than the usual one. Let's consider another act that involved the same female reproductive organs as labor does--the sex act. Sexual intercourse may be extremely painful or ecstatically pleasurable, depending upon the skill and sensitivity of the sexual partner and the willingness of the female involved. The size of the object inside her vagina actually has less to do with the physical sensations she experiences during the act than do the factors just mentioned. The same can be said of the sensations experienced upon the insertion of a tampon. To begin with, tampons are smaller than penises of adult men. Yet the same size tampon may be inserted in a painful or painless fashion, depending on whether the woman had too much coffee that morning, how cold it is, or the speed with which she tries to insert it. A lot depends upon how ready she is for the experience. Looked at from this perspective, it should be somewhat less surprising that there is such a wide variation in the way different women describe the sensations of labor and birth." (Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, 150)

"When avoidance of pain becomes the major emphasis of childbirth care, the paradoxical effect is that more women have to deal with pain after their babies are born. Frequent use of epidural anesthesia drives up the rates of cesarean section and vacuum-extractor and forceps births. Epidurals cause long-term backache in approximately one woman in every five. ... Intravenous lines are painful as long as they are in place and for a couple of days after they are removed. ... Women who have cesarean operations must have a catheter inserted in their urethra before the surgery is performed. This hollow tube will be kept in place for at least twenty-four hours. While the catheter is in place, many women experience a constant urge to urinate. Of course, since they are constantly "peeing," there is no way to satisfy this urge.  Cesareans usually involve the placement of a surgical drain sewed in the part of the wound most likely to efficiently drain away blood and lymph from the abdominal cavity. Women find the removal of this drain on the third day painful, particularly when they haven't been given pain medication an hour or so before the procedure. ... Postsurgery soreness can interfere with a woman's ease in handling her newborn baby. Each of the procedures and conditions I have mentioned above involves pain after birth." (Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, 165)

Reading these portions of the book helped me realize pain was in a big part based on readiness for it and my perception of it. I also realized that if I did endure the "pains of labor" without other interventions I would be able to save myself a lot of the potential pains that could occur. And now, after being though labor and delivery, I would say that I did not consider it to be a painful experience and I did it with only taking  one 200mg Ibuprofen a couple days later to help with uterine cramping. This book honestly gave me the perspective change, tools, and education to be able to do that.

Finally, as always, my ending advice is the same -research it all for yourself and do what's right for you and each particular pregnancy!


PS I just found this inserted into the middle of my post (trevor is hot, and I don't proofread). I love my husband! And I do proofread. Caught ya!