Life is Precious Part One: The Morning I Buried a Bird

Recently our landlord put down fresh grass seed for us in our back yard. Our little plot of land behind our townhome isn't large, but we're putting forth our most valiant effort to help the grass thrive. We have been diligent at watering it and recently concluded that, though few, the weeds that are present should probably be removed to improve the success of the grass.

After weeding the grass I ripped a big dead weed from between the patio bricks. I looked over and noticed something I hadn't noticed before. What is that on on the bricks? Upon closer inspection I discovered it was a baby bird, laying there --lifeless. It looked too small and featherless to have even hatched on it's own yet. 

How did it get here? What happened to it? Poor baby bird. It's poor mamma.

I felt so sad for this little lifeless creature. This little bird who's life was so short. 

Though small and lifeless, the little bird was quite miraculous. He* had been growing and had wings, and a beak, and little fragile and frail legs . . . now limp. How perfect he seemed and how sorry I was that he didn't get to spread those wings and fly. 

I couldn't help thinking of my baby and everyone's babies whose spirits leave their small fragile and frail bodies sooner than any of us would anticipate. I couldn't help thinking about the aching moms who had so many hopes and dreams for their little ones. But sometimes God has a different plan and our little ones don't live their lives like we envisioned they would. They live them briefly, yet leave more of an impact on anyone than we could have imagined.

I felt like I couldn't just toss him in the trash can that was there right next to the patio. It didn't seem right. So I dug a small hole for him and buried him. I know he was just a bird, but he reminded me of how precious and sacred and glorious life is. He reminded me of the ache and sorrow I and many other mothers face when we lose our little ones. He reminded me of how miraculous and beautiful growth is even if it ends before we would deem it complete. 

So thinking of how much I didn't enjoy having to bury him and recognizing that someone had to do it, and remembering my mom and her courage when she buried our dog Tuffy when I was in elementary school, and thinking about the horse grave Trevor and I found off a wooded trail several months ago and how much harder it would have to be to bury a horse, I closed my eyes as I scooped the dirt over the little bird's body. In one scoop and some shuffling of the mulch to cover it up it was done. Poor bird. It seemed like his grave was worthy of a marker so I carefully stuck some leaves in the dirt above him. The little leaves even seemed to look feathery to me. I liked that.

Life is precious and fragile and this morning I was reminded of that.

And I wish that is where my thoughts ended, but that will be post for another day  . . . 

Helping Broken Hearts

Trevor and I have a friend Katie from Minnesota where he served his mission. Katie has a friend who in addition to having Katie as a mutual friend, unfortunately, now has another connection to us.

Her sweet baby girl wasn't moving and slipped quietly back to heaven before she was born. 

I hate having this in common with people. I wish that it didn't have to happen to anyone else. My heart breaks each time I hear about other parents experiencing the loss of their sweet babies.

My friend Katie is an amazing woman. She moved right in to action to help this family. She has set up a blog to help raise money for this family to be able to handle the financial burden of loss. There are items that have been donated for sale as well as an option to just make a cash donation. Any excess in donations will be passed on to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. 

 Here's the blog for their sweet baby Alice 

http://alice-was-here.org/

If you feel like you are able, I know a donation to this family would mean so much to them.

Grieving Cheerfully

I feel like I was prepared in so many different ways for Luke's death. Not that you can ever really be prepared for an unexpected death of a loved one, but reflecting on things, I feel like God truly took me by the hand and lead me to do and learn certain things before Luke's death which helped me later.

Last night I was at a Relief Society class focusing on simplifying things. Many suggestions were shared for a myriad of regular activities women and moms participate in. One woman who I really admire, shared a suggestion she learned from someone else which she has tried to implement.

Laundry. What household task could be more never-ending than laundry? So the suggestion was to make doing laundry an opportunity to reflect on each family member as you sorted through each of their clothing items. Think about them -- their stage of life, things you love about them, etc. She shared how this has really helped her enjoy this mundane task.

As she shared this it brought to memory an insight I had while I was pregnant with Luke. I remember coming to the realization; my life was forever going to be filled with mundane tasks -- laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. The words of a scripture took meaning in a new way "let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power" (D&C 123:17). I knew my happiness was going to be in my attitude. I recall reflecting on that as I prepared for Luke to join our family.

Oh how I would have given anything to be able to be doing the mundane tasks of motherhood for that baby boy!

And then, just this morning, I realized I guess instead of cheerfully changing diapers or doing laundry I grieved cheerfully. Or rather, am grieving, cheerfully. Grief is so different for everyone, but for me I truly feel like I am able to focus on the positive things.

I will get to raise Luke one day.
Because of Christ, Luke (and all of our family members) will be resurrected one day.
Luke was so perfect that he did not need to withstand that trials and adversities of this life.
The promise of being with Luke is one more reason or incentive to keep God's commandments, so I can be with him again one day.
We have a family member who, hopefully, is looking after us and loves us more than I'm sure we even realize.

These are just some of the positive things that I truly have cheerfully been able to recognize and remember. Grief is different for everyone and even different for each person at different times. I don't expect others to handle their grief in a similar way. Nevertheless, I feel like because I keep these blessings and truths in the forefront of my mind I have been perhaps buffered  from more painful feelings associated with death and have been able to grieve just a little more cheerfully than perhaps what is normal. For that I am grateful.

17 Months

Time passes quickly in our home. We find ourselves quite occupied caring for your brother Jeremy. The months pass so quickly. I am astounded that it's been 17 months since we were with you. Before we know it, it will be 18 months. The time may go quickly, but our hearts still long for you. We love you and think about you every day. Your brother is lucky to have you to watch after him, I hope that you do some of the time.

Love you! Love, your mommy.  

Facebook Page

I've been meaning to do this for a while (unfortunately the motto of my life!), I've created a facebook page for this blog.

Most of my blog traffic comes from facebook. I must confess I'm almost always surprised at how many people click my links and come over to see what I've posted. Thanks for showing interest in what I have to say, especially when it can be so long-winded, rarely includes pictures, tends to be about the weighty topic of grief, and is often long ramblings of my personal thoughts.

So a big THANK YOU! It means a lot to me that people are interested.

I decided to create the facebook page for a few reasons.

1) Sometimes it just seems disjointed to post links to my blog about pregnancy anxieties and then something a little more typical for a facebook status like "I can't believed I burned my toast again! I swear half the loaf is in the garbage can!" I guess that's how my days really are. In real life it's not separate so I'm not sure why, but it just seems better to be able to have it coming from a different source.

2) A few people have asked me if it's okay if they share my blog with someone they know who has experienced a loss. My blog isn't private (meaning you can find it via google), but perhaps now it'll be easier to just direct them to the facebook page.

3) I often think that people may not want their news feeds inundated with pregnancy loss stuff so sometimes I just don't post blog posts to my facebook status. Yet I know some people are probably interested in it (or at least they click on the links when I do post it on my status updates.) I know you can adjust what comes through on your news feeds, but now you can like the page if you want to still follow this stuff.

So be sure to like my Burdens Made Light page if you want updates. I'll be posting stuff from there in the future and not on my personal status updates.

Christmas 2012

I would be foolish to try to deny that I received the best Christmas present ever!  Well, I guess he arrived a bit before Christmas.

We've loved having Jeremy with us through the holidays. He even got to be the star of the show and play baby Jesus as we acted out the nativity on Christmas Eve with our nieces and nephews who live in Virginia.

This year definitely contrasted last Christmas, when I had such aching, empty arms. Even though Jeremy is with us and fills our arms and hearts and time, we still miss our Luke.

It's times like these that I wish we lived near Luke's grave. I wanted to be there for the Christmas Eve candle lighting that happens in the cemetery. If there wasn't a candle burning on his grave it isn't because he isn't loved. Because he is. Very much. I wanted very much to be able to honor him and bring something Christmasy to adorn his grave.

Christmas morning, before we ventured over to my brother- and sister-in-laws house, I sat under our tree holding Jeremy and telling Trevor, with tears in my eyes just that. I wish we could have been there to honor him.

But we weren't. So in my heart I carried the memory of Luke with me as we continued on our day with all of our festivities. Though it can be bittersweet, I am grateful for both of my baby boys.