Friday, September 23, 2011

How Are You?

An employee at the school Trevor volunteers at said "How's it goin'?" as he walked past Trevor. The person obviously didn't really intend to ask that nor really care, because when Trevor replied "Pretty bad," this individual didn't bat an eye and just continued to exit the building.

If you're reading this, you might actually wonder how we're doing. So here it is.

Generally we're fine.

But yesterday, "pretty bad", barely begins to summarize it.

I don't know if it's because I've been so okay with things from the beginning that I haven't let myself get really upset. I've known all along that Luke is God's son and I accepted the fact that He took him from us prematurely because that is part of His plan and His will. I've never been angry with God. And I've never even questioned "why." Maybe because I know I can't know exactly why, so from the time I knew that Luke was no longer living I simply trusted in God. I guess I trusted in Him before that and my trust in Him simply continued. I know there is more to life than I can currently see.

Well, being "okay" with things or at least accepting things up until this point had been going alright. But yesterday I couldn't take it.

Shelley's motivation = ZERO

I didn't want to do anything. I had intended to take some personal time to work on some goal setting, but I didn't feel like doing it. I wasted lots of time on the internet. I even put down the computer, had no motivation to do anything, so I returned to the mindless internet surfing. I eventually showered for the day and cried a little. I tried reading the words of the prophet's for some encouragement. The first search result when you search for goals on is a talk titled Do Not Despair. Seems appropriate, right? It included much needed counsel. One of the things it suggests is listening to music. My sister-in-law, Maryanne, recorded a beautiful rendition of Be Still My Soul and sent it to me in August.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev’ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
Be still, my soul: The hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
As I listened, I simply wept. 
I felt bad for myself. I'm frustrated with my life. I'm frustrated that I have to "decide what to do now." I just want to be a full-time mom. That's the job I want. I don't want to have to apply for jobs. I don't want to face these decisions. I don't want to have to deal with it. I don't want the cards that have been dealt to me. I want out of this deal. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything!  
I wept some more.
I felt alone. I felt stuck. I felt frustrated. I felt angry. 
I wept.
I tried to pray.
I wept. 
Then I felt guilty for being ungrateful for all of the good in my life.  So I cried some more.
I tried to find some inspiration from my great-grandmother's autobiography. She was a hard-worker and persevered many hardships. I curled up in the nursery chair with Luke's quilt and read then slept. I woke up and cried some more. 
Most days are not like this. Actually no other day has been like this. Perhaps I have not let myself mourn my son's death and all that I lost with it. 
Trevor's day had been nearly, if not more, emotional than mine. We weren't together, but together we were mourning Luke's death. Luckily we have each other still. Luckily I have someone here with me who understands how I feel. At least I have someone to go through this with. I don't know what I would do without my best friend.   


  1. Shelley, I'm praying for you - I don't know how to help you from so far away, and knowing that I can't make your pain go away. But I want you to know that you are loved and that I cry when I think about Luke, so you have every right to have days where you just curl up and cry. My sister-in-law lost her baby a few hours after he was born. That was about 4 years ago...and she still has days where she will curl up in a closet by herself and just cry. It's part of loving someone and losing them. And it's okay. You are doing all the things that you are supposed to to heal and live life. You are amazing and I'm sure this is harder for you than I can even imagine. I love you so much.

  2. Just wish I could give you a great big hug! Keep posting - your complete honesty about this is probably about as helpful as anything else. Try not to feel guilty. It really is okay, healthy even, to acknowledge all of these emotions and let them run their course. I'm confident that the Lord doesn't think you ungrateful. Sending love and prayers your way. The Lord's plan is indisputably wonderful and good, but at times it is agonizing to experience.