Ultrasound Part III: My Reaction

If you missed it, read Part I and Part II of our ultrasound experience.

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As I mentioned before...It was wonderful to see our little baby. It was incredible to see how much our baby had formed and so reassuring to see that our baby looked healthy and normal.

Trevor covered his face so he couldn't see the screen and I covered my face so that if Trevor glanced at me we wouldn't be able to read my expression.

And it was a good thing I did, because I think my jaw dropped in surprise when the ultrasound tech put the words on the screen "It's a BOY!"

I was definitely surprised! I, along with so many friends and family members (Trevor included) thought we'd be having a girl. I still feel strongly that we will have a girl, but who knows when that will be because this little one is definitely a boy! It looks like no ones intuition was very good this time around.

We took video footage of Trevor opening the envelope with the results. Because it's on his brother's camera, I haven't been able to see it yet --to see what his reaction was in the moment.  I was there but I don't exactly remember how it was. Nevertheless, Trevor was obviously thrilled to be having another boy! Not only does he really want a son to spend time with, he also had explained that it would be a lot more simple--"we already have all they boy stuff." Oh the practicality!

On our way home Trevor asked if I was disappointed. "No," I replied, "just surprised." I also explained how it's hard for me to be having another boy. This child as we've known all along, is not a replacement for Luke and having a boy may make it harder for it to not seem that way. Now that we know the gender we can get things like the nursery all put together, but I can't go home and just put up everything I have. That was Luke's nuresry. I can't just put the same pictures on the new walls and put the quilt over the rocking chair. That's Luke's quilt.

I have a friend who boxed up all of her son's items and has no intention on using them for her other children. Of course, that's probably been easier because her other two children are girls.

We do have so many wonderful baby boy things and I've always felt that it was most practical to use them again. But now that I'm placed in that situation it feels different than I thought it would. It's hard. It's hard to picture our new son wearing the outfits that I had picked out for Luke.

There are things that I may never dress our new baby in--perhaps they will seem too much like Luke's for me to do that.  For the items that we will use, Trevor suggested a way of looking at it that I really like. He said that anything that we use for our son that had been Luke's we'll call "hand-me-downs," because that's what they are. They belonged to Luke and now they're getting passed down to his younger brother. Perhaps they are all still brand-new, but they are nevertheless hand-me-downs. That seems to settle well with me for now.

As for the nursery. It won't be the same. I'll think of something different and probably make a new quilt that will be just for this baby. It would have been more simple to make something different if this baby had been a  girl. I'm not sure what I'll do or what I'll change, but I know I want to put together something that will be special and unique for this child.

As we were driving home, we continued to talk about things on our mind now that we knew our baby is a boy. We discussed how we'll be having a boy who will feel like he's the oldest in our family, yet he will have an older brother. Reflecting on our day that we had spent with Trevor's brother and remembering silly comments like "My brother drives more like me than I realized"  and thinking about what an example Trevor's older brother is to him I started crying. I was heartbroken for our son. He has an older brother, but he will not have him as an example, a friend, a confidant or any of the other wonderful things that Trevor has in his older brother.

I told Trevor that I hoped they know each other even if they won't be living together in this life. Not knowing exactly how things work for our loved ones that have gone on, I told Trevor I hoped Luke could be a guardian angel for his little brother. Perhaps Luke will offer help and protection in our new son's life which we may only know about after this life. I don't know, but I can only hope.