The other day when we were in New York (just a day or two after our gender reveal on the blog), I was out doing some shopping while Trevor was at work. I was kind of in a weird mood already, but simply broke in to tears when I was in the baby clothing section of the store.
I was so frustrated because I wanted to pick out an outfit or something for this baby, but I didn't feel like I could. We didn't really need anything since we have drawers full of perfectly-good, untouched newborn clothes.
I tried to but, I couldn't even think straight about what sizes I might need for summer and winter clothes since that will probably be different now. All I could think about was the unused clothes of Luke's and how I never got to use them or really see if I had gotten the right sizes for the times of year he would need them.
The day really had been leading up to a good cry and it was probably going to happen sooner than later, I couldn't keep it all in anymore so I simply just knelt on my knees between rows of baby clothes and cried.
I cried over Luke. I cried about how it's affecting this pregnancy. It didn't feel fair. I cried feeling bad for myself since I'm neither like a mom buying clothes for her first baby nor like a second time mom buying what's needed to fill in the gaps of what's left of the hand-me-downs. I'm a mom wanting to shop for my baby, but I don't really need to because my first one died.
I hadn't posted about this yet, but my best friends older sister (practically my own older sister), Liz, left her response to my feelings about not being able to just put Luke's nursery back up with Luke's quilt. Liz is the mother of three (might I add, adorable) boys. You can see what she wrote for yourself, but she talked about having certain things that are just for each boy --blessing outfits, special blankets, first stuffed animals, etc.
I liked that a lot. Perhaps Luke didn't ever use his quilt I made for him. In fact it has kind of become my quilt, because I tend to curl up with it particularly when I'm missing him, but it doesn't mean that I have to pass it on to this baby.
This baby will get his own. I've even started scheming a new theme for the nursery...the only downside is I'm not in Utah to shop for fabric. There's not exactly the best selections here compared to the cute quilt shops there (#missingutah).
The other day I was chatting with a girl whom I'm becoming friends with here in Virginia. I told her that we found out we're having another boy. She inquired if we already had boy stuff from our first baby. I told her we did. Her response was something along the lines of "well that's good." While, yes, it's good because it means we're just that much more ready for our baby to arrive, I didn't bother to explain to her all the painful implications it really entails.
This is evidently a hard road to journey--being pregnant again. I, of course, wanted and still want this more than anything, but that doesn't change the amount of grief and sorrow that is apparently accompanying it.
I agree with Liz. Each baby needs some of their own special things, no matter how many siblings come along. The first quilt you made is definitly Luke's and yours. I can't wait for you to come out to Utah so we can pick out some fabric for me to make a blankey for the newest little baby.ReplyDelete
I just want to fly to DC and put my arms around you. Thinking of you kneeling in a store, by yourself crying makes my heart hurt.ReplyDelete
Shelley, this is so hard. I don't know how you are doing it, but you are, and you have so much grace.
You are so talented at articulating the ebbs and flows of a challenging experience. I am so sorry for your loss and will continue to pray for you and Trevor.
That's got to be so hard... I think it's great that your getting your new baby new things. Yes, you have some things already, but I believe you don't have to feel bad if you never use even one piece of it for your 2nd baby. Those things probably feel like they're your tie to look when you can't hug him, you can hug them. Bless your heart... I love you.ReplyDelete
Oh sweetie, I'm glad I said something that helped a tiny bit, I feel like I'm always putting my foot I'm my mouth. I'm sorry, just so sorry, I don't know what else to say, I wish I were there to cry with you. If you look online and find any fabric that you like let me know and I'm happy to go hunting for it for you. The other day we went to that cute quilt store by your old house, we wished you were shipping with us. When you come visit you let us know and we'll help you shop.ReplyDelete