Wednesday, August 22, 2012

You never know when it will hit you...

You never know when it will come. You never know what's going to be a hard moment.

You might anticipate unpacking nursery boxes, setting up the crib, and arranging the furniture in the new nursery would be hard.

It wasn't.

You might think going through piles of clothes to find some to lend to Luke's 3-month cousin would be hard.

It wasn't. (Well, at least for me, but Baby Dallin's mom could tell you how it made her feel...)

You wouldn't think unpacking boxes of office stuff wouldn't be emotional . . . but there I was . . .sorting through books, papers, old text books to be sold, and other office odds-and-ends that still need to be unpacked, organized, thrown out, sold, or stored . . . and it hit me. I came across a particular notebook and an old calendar/day planner.

As for the notebook. I had used it for a while during pregnancy to chart what I was eating each day and to mark off my daily essential pregnancy routines (drinking enough water, pregnancy tea, exercise, birth class practice, prayer, scripture study, singing to Luke, etc.). As I turned the pages my charting ended abruptly and was followed with a new to-do list --funeral plans.

My heart ached to see these two sections of my notebook juxtaposed against each other. It was my life and my reality and I lived it, but seeing it written like that made it hit me in a new way. Or at least reminded me of what I did and what my life really entailed. I set the notebook aside with a heart of both hurt and love.

I picked up my calendar which happened to follow the school year Fall 2010 to Summer 2011. I flipped through it and it fell right open to February. Marked with a big heart was February 21.

Trevor and I were celebrating Valentine's Day that day since I had to work (two jobs) on the 14th. For part of our celebration we scheduled an ultrasound so we could find out Luke's gender, read the results together at a park at sunset, and discussed names over dinner.

Seeing that day marked with a big heart, I couldn't help but to weep.

I continued to thumb through the pages . . .each page marked with either actual pregnancy related events like prenatal appointments, birth classes, baby showers, and my little check-lists of things to do to prepare Luke's arrival or events that simply occurred while I was pregnant like my mundane work schedule, our trip to San Fran, and anything else that was written between November and August.

I wept.

I couldn't throw the calendar away.

I felt like I would be throwing away the only memories that I have with Luke.


I'm grateful for the memories. I am grateful for the nine months I got to be with my baby. I am grateful Trevor   was only gone to the store when I found all of these things so I could stand in his arms to cry some more once he returned. 


Still love and miss you, my son. 


  1. Oh sweetie! I know, it seems so interesting when the saddness hits. I love you. I wish we still lived close so we could go talk about our lives together. I can't wait till you have your little one. I pray that this baby will help fill part of the hole in your heart, just like I hope my baby fill part of mine. Because we will always have our little ones with us. We will always have that space that they were meant to fill, however I know with time and other special spirits that space will fill with love and peace.

  2. I can definitely relate to this. Today I had a negative pregnancy test, looked through Isaac & Porter's pictures and turned down baby stuff from well meaning family members. And I was fine with everything. Then I watched a random television show and the character found out she was pregnant and I bawled like a baby. Grief is such an unpredictable animal.

    I'm glad that your husband was close by and I think it's very appropriate to keep the calendar.

    I didn't comment on your last post, but I wanted to tell you how amazing I think it is that your friends visited Luke on his birthday. What a lovely way to honor you as their friend and your sweet boy.

  3. Lots of love Shelley! You and Trevor are such wonderful people. I am sad I didn't get to know you better when I lived in Provo and that I missed you and Trevor when you visited MN on your way to DC.

    Grief is so interesting because it can affect us in areas we don't expect. I think planners/calendars can be very emotional places/memories. I have had a hard time when going over things in my past that I wrote on those pages.

    Thinking and prayers for you!