Tears of Gratitude

The day after I gave birth to Luke I remember sitting in the corner of our sectional couch. I was wearing my purple dress from DownEast. It was Sunday and when I got up that morning I thought I'd at least wear a dress. I wasn't going to church that day but it was still the Sabbath. I sat there with the quilt that I had made for Luke over my lap. I felt numb and everything felt so surreal. It was overwhelming to feel all the emotions connected to what just happened. It was overwhelming to wrap my head around what had transpired in the previous 24 or so hours.

Yet one of the most overwhelming feelings I recall was sitting there and feeling more than just a void in my arms. It was almost a tangible pain in the physical space in front of me. There was more than emptiness. It's almost like my arms were filled with my broken heart and I longed to be holding my baby...in fact I longed to hold any baby.

It felt to wrong to have gone through labor and birth and to have no one there to hold.

I wanted so badly to call a friend who had recently (or so I thought) had her baby. I just wanted to hold him. I, of course, wanted more than anything to hold my own baby, but I knew that was impossible. Yet I thought I could find some comfort in at least filling my arms with another sweet child, if I could not hold my own.

I didn't have the courage to ask, so there I remained, with my aching, empty arms.

*****

In the darkness of the night after Jeremy was born I sat in the hospital bed and I was overcome with that same strong desire to hold my baby. I thought back to that sunny Sabbath morning and how strongly I had felt about needing to hold a baby then. And now I had, yet again, experienced labor and birth for my son and felt that same feeling to be holding a child. 

How different things were this time. 

With Jeremy in my arms I wept. I wept tears of gratitude to finally have my empty arms filled. I held Jeremy closer and cried and poured my thankful heart out to God for this precious gift I have been given. To finally be able to be rid of that void is a gift from God that I am so grateful for. How grateful I am that God heard the pleadings of my heart and has blessed us with Jeremy.