Visiting The Cemetery - January 2014

Some people have favorite places or things to do which they make a point to add to their agenda when they're back in their "hometown." You know, pizza parlors, other restaurants, favorite stores, perhaps visiting their alma mater.

Our family?

Whenever we're in Utah we go to the cemetery.

I don't know if calling it a "favorite place" is quite the right thing. Yet it is an event that always makes it on to our agenda when we're in town.

I never went to Luke's grave regularly. Some people go daily or weekly after they lose a loved one. I went whenever I felt so inclined. I didn't necessarily feel like it brought me closer to Luke to be there. I guess I got that from attending the Provo temple every week instead. I was there to honor him and bring something fresh to adorn his grave. I did a lot of remembering and connecting too while I was there, but I didn't need to go there to do that.

When I would go there with Trevor we used to talk about how one day . . . one future day . . . we would surely be there with lots of little ones running around as we brought them together to honor their older brother.

That day isn't too far off. We at least have one little guy cruisin' down the road in front of Luke's grave and doing laps around the headstone. I'm grateful Jeremy is able to be there with us. I am grateful he has an older brother who can look out for him, even if it's not in the "normal" older-brother way. I am grateful to see our family growing and God's plans for us unfolding.

It's always special to get to be back at the cemetery even if it brings back the painful feelings of all the events that unfolded that week in August . . .  not even two and half years ago. When we let the memories come back to us, it feels even more recent.

*****

We know you're busy doing work on the other side of the veil, but we hope you know we came to visit your grave. We love you dearly and will never forget about you. 

The memories in a smell

Last week we were on vacation and the bar of soap Trevor used was the same brand that he had used while a freshman in college. He commented how the smell alone brought him back to those dorm days.

Today I was cleaning out a box of hair product. I often try new products for a while and then move on to something else. I also always ask for free samples at the beauty supply store and pick up clearance items to give them a try. Needless to say, I have quite a collection that was getting weeded through today as I work on "spring" cleaning. I had recently showered and so my hair was still damp. I came across a bottle of Bumble and Bumble strengthening serum and opted to put some in my hair.

The smell.

The smell brought be right back to that January day when I got my hair cut. It was a cold winter day much like today. I got several "damaged" inches cut off my hair as I tried to bring my hair back to recovery after being in hair school! The smooth silky feeling of having someone thoroughly blow-dry your hair. The crisp edges of a new haircut. And the smell of the new product in my hair. The pink high heels. The outfit. Coming home to our little studio apartment and showing off the new look to Trevor.

I could see and feel it all again. Smelling that smell brought be back to that day. To who I was that day. To what I was that day.

Pregnant.

Pregnant with Luke.

Some moms can remember the smell of their baby when they were born. I don't have any smells ingrained in my memory from that day, but this . . . this brought me back to that day when he was still inside me. Before we knew if he was even a he. To that day when life was just rolling along as it should --pregnant and moody and loving every bit of it!

*****

Still thinking of you my little baby. Miss you and am grateful for our time together. 

Christmas 2013

I'm grateful to my mom continues to tend to Luke's grave when we're so far away and can't do it ourselves. We were at least able to see this sweet little tree she left when we were there to visit in January.

Life is Precious: Part Two - Babies Don't Have a Voice

Today I can't stop thinking about abortion. For a many months now it has been on my mind off and on. I started this post last spring when I buried a lifeless bird I found in my yard. My thoughts turn again to abortion because of a radio show I heard yesterday, addressing the current issues in the supreme court surrounding Obamacare and mandating the abortion pill.

There are so many things to say on this topic and so many differing opinions. It doesn't seem necessary for me to defend every one of them, yet I want to share some of my honest thoughts I've had.

Wishing for Life vs Taking Away Life
I am heartbroken to think that there are mothers of babies who choose to end the life of their babies when they are only partially formed. How have these woman come to a place so far removed from the recognition of life that their hearts have failed them to love their babies enough to give them life? I can't understand it. I am part of a community of women that would do anything to be able to put life back in to their babies. Anything! But we can't and so we mourn and grieve and sorrow the loss of our sweet, precious children. And on the complete opposite end of the spectrum there is another, I hate to call it this but it is indeed a -- community of women. These woman are choosing to end the life of their babies.

Babies are Slaughtered
I hate to get vulgar here, but this is a truth and when I learned of it I was mortified, sickened, and so saddened for these mothers who would choose to do this. I knew abortions happened, but maybe I chose not to think about it. If I didn't think about what was actually happening it was just a word. Abortion. But as I learn more about it, though I'm afraid to learn too much because my tender heart can't handle it, I am horrified by what is happening. Yes, I think early abortion is just as bad as late-term abortion because that is life. Life growing with potential. Life that is a baby and a child, now matter how formed he or she is yet. What is most sickening to me is late term abortions. I didn't know this happened. I didn't know.

Google it. It doesn't take long to see the results. I didn't need to look much further than the first add.

Screen shot taken May 6, 2013; search term "late term abortion"

Do you see what that says. 24 weeks. 24 weeks?! I was astounded when I first saw that. 24 weeks?! Some babies born that early can survive with intense NICU care. And it's legal to kill those babies? I hate that "pro-choice" campaigners will hold banners of zygotes proclaiming "this is not a baby." I'd like them to also hold pictures of a 24-week old baby and claim "this is not a baby." They couldn't. They couldn't do it, because no one would believe them! 

photo from babycenter.com

That is clearly a baby.

And I believe that at any stage of a "fetus's" life it has just that LIFE. It is a creation of God and has a spirit. "For I, the Lord God, created all things . . .spiritually, before they were naturally upon the face of the earth" (Moses 3:5).

This popular blog post about a woman's change in position also shares some pretty graphic details of late-term abortions. Mortifying. Just mortifying. Until recently I had never thought through what was actually happening to these babies. I used to think it was terrible that many Chinese people who could only have one child would either chose abortion or abandonment for their female children. How terrible, I thought. What a terrible society, I accused them to be. Little did I know my society was equally as terrible. Most recent available data states that "in 2008, approximately 1.21 million abortions took place in the U.S (source)" and "worldwide, there are estimated to be more than 40 million abortions per year (source)." And even worse one blogger who reached out to many women who chose abortion writes, "their stories all shared one thing in common, none of them made their decisions lightly and none of them regretted their decisions." Not to say there aren't mothers who regret abortion, I know there are, but thinking especially on the ones that have no regret.

I mourn. A journal entry from May 2013:

I do weep for the loss of them that die. Several nights ago I knelt and wept for the loss of the precious lives of all the babies that are aborted. I am astounded that there is a community of women that are so selfish and heartless that they do not acknowledge and honor the life growing inside of them. It is especially astounding for me to learn about late-term abortions. By then not only is the gender apparent, but you have felt the baby move. I wept for the wickedness of this crime. I wept for this evil that is abounding in our nation.

Women's Rights vs Children's Rights

I know "woman's rights" can appear to be a sticky issue, because if government can mandate which babies can and can't be aborted (say instances of rape or incest where it would not by appropriate for the woman or even child to suffer the pregnancy) than the government might start making laws about how and when and where women can give birth. And for me that is concerning because I am passionate about mom's being able to choose their birthing experience, but that is not as concerning as the massive slaughter of unborn children who don't have a voice.

In a day and age where woman and even men are putting their foot down in defense of "their choice," the late James E. Faust summarizes it so clearly: 

One of the most evil myths of our day is that a woman who has joined hands with God in creation can destroy that creation because she claims the right to control her own body. Since the life within her is not her own, how can she justify its termination and deflect that life from an earth which it may never inherit?

Avoiding Consequences by Choosing to End Life
I seriously was disgusted and appalled by the sound clip of President Obama I heard yesterday while listening to the radio. President Obama admits himself that he doesn't think women should have to experience the consequence of choice to be sexually active in this disgraceful comment, "I've got two daughters. 9 years old and 6 years old. I am going to teach them first off all about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby." 

Obviously our society (or many people in it) believe babies are seen as a punishment and people shouldn't have to experience that. Isn't this terrible? I could go on and on about how sad of a commentary this is on general beliefs in the world today, but no need. It just makes my heart hurt for how our hearts have truly turned away from morals, family, life, and responsibility.   


In Defense of Choosing Abortion
The post I mentioned above about interviewing women did state:

"Women do not enjoy having abortions, they do not use it as birth control. All of them felt that they were not ready to be mothers and that if they were to have a child, it would not have a happy life and they wouldn’t have been able to provide them with the love or opportunities they felt a child deserved."

So I try to see that side. It does't change the fact that in my heart I know it is wrong to take the life of another. Even if it is motivated by "love," because to me this is actually selfish. Selfish, to choose not find a way to give that child the best whether that's accomplished by making personal changes in one's life or by choosing adoption.

Be a Voice

I am grateful for social media and for the people who have shared things like the article Why My Support for Abortion Was Based on Love…and Lies (if you haven't read it you should!). And this video of the woman who survived abortion. 

Elder Dallin H. Oaks urges us to do something about the children suffering (from many terrible things in addition to abortion). He says, "Children need others to speak for them, and they need decision makers who put their well-being ahead of selfish adult interests . . . We also need politicians, policy makers, and officials to increase their attention to what is best for children in contrast to the selfish interests of voters and vocal advocates of adult interests."

So even though this is a heated topic and one with many taboos and many differing opinions and many differing "solutions", I've realize I can no longer hold my tongue and I have to act. Even if that is just sharing information that might influence one woman to choose to give her child life.

If you believe unborn children deserve a chance at life please join me in saying something too! 

It can be as simple as signing this petition for a current supreme court case. 

Missing Luke

I din't even think about what day it was yesterday. Today I got on facebook (which I hardly do anymore) and noticed that people were posting and sharing things related to infant loss, because yesterday was October 15.

Yesterday I was thinking about Luke. I missed him. I longed for him. I missed my little boy who I don't have in my life right now. Yes, I can hardly handle caring for one child and my life with two, would bring on so many more challenges, but that's not what it's about. It's about missing Luke and wishing he was a part of our family here and now in a physical way. I know he's part of our family and hopefully he is watching after us in ways we don't even know about, but I still miss him.

So I drove along the freeway with my little bundle of joy sleeping in his car-seat and tears in my eyes.

Missing you my little boy.

Words Cannot Convey

I suppose this early morning is the quiet that I’ve been looking for. Life with a baby lends its self to a very occupied day. Mornings often start before I do (Hello 5:15 am), nap times are filled with my “to-do” list which often just includes things like “shower” and “feed me.” I, of course, wouldn’t have it any other way. Jeremy is my world and I am happy to devote my life to him right now. Yet it doesn’t change the fact that I need just a little more quiet time. Time for me. Time to think. Time to write. And time to reflect.

I’ve missed having half a day to sit and think and write about my thoughts and things pertaining to Luke. Perhaps as I continue to improve my daily routines I can allow that to be a part of my life again. Perhaps not a half a day, but some time. Just a little bit of time for Luke.

So this morning I suppose it is a blessing that after an early morning feeding with Jeremy I couldn’t fall back asleep. The house is dark, it is calm, and I can hear the rain outside the window.

The rain. Sometimes it’s more of a feeling that it brings. Reflection. It’s hard to know what feelings to focus on. The details. The facts. It all starts coming back it mind. It never really left my mind, but the rain and the quiet morning bring it back up to the surface.

Wednesday. That was book club day. The day I spent reading to finish the book in time for that evening. The day I noticed Luke wasn’t moving much. He never moved much though. The book club. The friends. The conversation. The laughter. The insights. The talk of birth and anticipation and waiting. The drive home. The long dark drive home. Laying on the couch trying to feel movement. Sometimes he moved more at night. Sometimes. Worry. Concern.

Thursday. The day I knew. Movement –there was none. The day I wept. I showered. I wept. I wandered the house. I wept. My baby! Dear God, what am I to do? I’m supposed to be a mother right now. Why?! What am I supposed to do with my life now. I was paralyzed. I knew he was gone. I sat numbly on the couch. Paralyzed.

Denial. Everything is fine. I’ll serve. I’ll go to work. I go to the church to finish my visiting teaching reports. Evening preparations and summertime BBQ. Everything is fine.

Friday. Denial. Everything is fine.

The prenatal appointment. “You guys, this isn’t good.” Her big, caring eyes told it all as they penetrated my soul. Ultra sound. Doctor. Hospital. Induction. Phone calls. Texts. Prayers. Lots of prayers.

Blessings of angels. Labor. An un-medicated, beautifully strong, quick labor. I prepared for that.

Saturday – the stroke of midnight—we behold my son’s precious body though his spirit no longer resided within.

I did it. My work was done. I gave him a body. The body that one glorious day will be his again.

*****

The pain, the heartache, the emotions rise in me as the rain quiets outside. I can’t dig deeper. Not now. It hurts. It’s time to let it settle again. For a season. The memories are still there. Still as vivid as ever. The details are so clear in my mind. The emotions still sting my heart. It’s still there.

The memory is painful. The journey is hard. The love is strong.

*****

My darling little boy, we regret not being able to know you while you were here. We are certain you are ours forever and that our family has a guardian angel in you. Your second birthday would be next week. Trains? Cars? Planes? I wonder what you’d prefer. I’m thinking of you at this special time of year. I love you little one. Love, your mommy.