Perhaps it's just because I am pregnant and my hormones make me hypersensitive to things. Whatever the reason, that was the state I was in at the beginning of church.
I have been at church during many baby blessings* since August, but never before have they quite affected me like the one did today.
I was sitting at the front of the chapel and turned to look at the father walking to the front carrying his son. Even though the baby was wrapped up in his father's arms and they passed by me very quickly, it only took an instance for me to recognize the white, knit outfit that the baby was dressed in--it was the same outfit that Luke was buried in.
Oh how instantly tears began to flow from my eyes. I hardly listened to the words of the blessing being pronounced on this baby, as I thought of my own son. I quietly took a tissue from my purse to attempt to catch my now dripping eyes and nose. Dabbing at the tears that wouldn't stop flowing I thought of my own son, dressed in that very same outfit. One that I had planned on being his blessing outfit. But that was not the case. It was Luke's burial clothes instead. I thought of the decorative hook in Luke's nursery that was going to display the sentimental outfit that instead, for a time, displayed a collection of sympathy cards and then later a little white outfit that was from Luke's grandmother, which he never wore.
|White outfit from Grandma Barb and the place where Luke's blessing outfit would have hung.|
It has been over nine months now and sometimes little things can touch my heart in such a poignant way. I may be pregnant again, but that does not lessen how my tender heart feels about Luke. How much I still love him, and how much my love for him grows every day. I am grateful for moments like today that reaffirm to me that even though life is moving on and changing my love for my son is unchanged. Seeing this baby dressed in the same outfit Luke was buried in triggered in me tears that I did not foresee shedding; but I am grateful for the reminder of my son. I was grateful to be able to think about him. And I am ever so grateful to know that I will see him again.
*In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints each baby is blessed. This is not a baptism. Children are only baptized if and when they reach the age of 8. A baby blessing is usually administered by the baby's father and its purpose is to give the baby his or her name and pronounce blessings upon him or her. The blessing could include things like good health, the ability to live a faithful life and follow Christ, or any number of things which the person giving the blessing may feel inspired to bless the baby with.
It makes sense to me that being pregnant again doesn't lessen the pain of losing your first child. It's not like replacing a favorite pair of jeans. For some reason this post today made me think of one of my favorite fictional characters, Anne of Green Gables. Have you read that entire series? The author did some terrific writing. Anne lost her firstborn child within a day of birth, and later on in the series that baby (Joy) is still mentioned occasionally even after she's had six more children! Sweet girl. I'm so glad for your sake (and others) that we know that you'll have the opportunity to raise Luke in the next life.ReplyDelete