Ever since August I have wanted to just hold a newborn. Shortly after Luke was born, I wanted to just go to my friend's house and hold her little boy who was born within the same week. I never got up the courage to ask...
Since then I've had a few close friends have babies and with their anticipated arrivals I wanted to be able to hold them. Yes, I got to hold them in church or in their homes for a few moments, but they would fuss and not knowing how to calm someone else's baby they would shortly be handed back to their mom's.
It wasn't quite what I had hoped for. I wanted to be able to just hold them as newborns and look at them, perhaps with no one else around so that there would be no onlooking eyes wondering what I was thinking or how I was feeling or checking to see if I was okay. I wanted to be able to stare at their every little feature without someone staring at me, making sure my eyes weren't about to swell up with tears or anything. I wanted to be able to hold an infant and think back to the few short hours in which I got to hold Luke's little body in my own arms. I wanted to just have a tiny, perfect baby in my own arms again.
More than anything I want it to be my own baby, but for that I must wait.
However today is a special day because I feel like it will be the closest thing to holding my own child. My nephew is about to be born. We did not plan for these days to correlate, but we arrived to Virginia last night, the day before our nephew's birth. I am grateful that we are here and that I get to be the first aunt (he has a lot of aunts!) to meet him and hold him. I would try not to be, but I think I'd be quite jealous if it were someone else here that got to meet him and hold him during this newborn stage of life.
I don't know what it will be like to meet him but I am very anxious to find out. I'm anxious to see what he looks like and to see if any of his features are similar to Luke's. Luke had so many of Trevor's features and, in my opinion, looked very Fitzgerald. My new little nephew will be half Fitzgerald and could very well share some physical features as Luke.
I know so many women would find a day like today too difficult to bare, but I am looking forward to it. I don't know how I'll respond emotionally to this day, but I do know I am so happy for my brother- and sister-in-law to be bringing this new child into their home and I do know that I am grateful to be able to be here to witness and be a part of it.
It's incredible to think that in the nine months since we lost Luke a new life was created and is ready to enter the world. Life is miraculous and God's hand is in it all.