Faith in His Timming

I have learned so much in my endeavor to live out my life as a mother. I feel like I can better relate perhaps just a little bit to women who may experience infertility. I know what it's like to hope for and dread the beginning of each menstrual cycle. I know what it feels like to plead with the Lord for the blessing of a child. I know what it feels like to mourn over the life that I had dreamed of and don't have. I know what it's like to anxiously take a pregnancy test even before it's quite time, to read the negative results, quietly tuck it into the trash so no one knows I was hopeful, and still hope that it was just too early so it's a false negative. I know what it's like to have a face wet with tears as I plead with the Lord that He hears my prayers and feels my aching heart to be a mother.

And after various experiences, I now know what it's like to recognize that faith is not that He will give me what I want if I have enough of it. Faith is me trusting in Him. Faith is finally believing that He knows all and has a plan for each of us and that He will give me not what I want when I want it, but that I will accept what He will give me when He gives it to me because He is the Great I Am and has a perfect knowledge of all things.

Last fast Sunday, February 5, I when I was in DC staying with family I started my period. I was so heart broken. I sat on the hide-a-bed and let tears fall down my face as I sat with my 2-year-old niece, Jenna. She was so sweet and concerned. She let me hold her and hug her and listened as I told her that I was sad. I wanted more than anything to have another baby on the way. How long must I wait?

I called Trevor and told him about it. I asked him how long we needed to wait before we asked our family to pray and fast for us. He said he'd call his sister and his parents right then. He got a hold of his sister but not his parents. I was too timid to ask for anything so I didn't ask Scott and Maryanne. Trevor told me that he was going to fast and pray that we would have patience and understanding.

His prayers were answered.

Through a variety of conversations I feel like my mind was enlightened concerning the timing of things. I realized that it was less about me and what I wanted now but more about what the Lord may need later. I realized that the timing of when a child is born makes all the difference in his or her life. It influences when they'll start school, who their friends will be, when they might be serving a mission, and so many other things. What if the Lord needs my child to be born at a particular time in order for him or her to be an influence for good for other individuals whom he or she may not encounter if born at a different time? Maybe this whole conception thing isn't about me but about other people in this world.

Yes, in a way it is about me. Heavenly Father knows my wants and desires and, like any loving parent, wants me to be able to experience happiness and joy. Yet He is also the loving parent of so many other people and has a plan for each of them too. He has a plan for each of my children. And that plan may very well not be aligned with my plan--or rather my plan not aligned with His.

And I guess that's when we need faith. We need the faith to believe in Him. Believe that He is All Powerful. We need the faith to trust in Him and His plan.

I had this realization, but I felt as if I needed that faith. On Tuesday, as prayers were offered in the temple, I knew that I needed more faith. I needed to trust Him.

"Your faith in Jesus Christ grows as you become better acquainted with Him and His teachings." (Preach My Gospel, Christlike Attributes, p116)

I turned to the scriptures to seek understanding. Tears wet my face as I read verses in the book of Abraham:

"...If there be two spirits, and one shall be more intelligent than the other, yet these two spirits, not withstanding one is more intelligent than the other, have no beginning; they existed before, they shall have no end, they shall exist after, for they are gnolaum, or eternal.

And the Lord said unto me: These two facts do exist, that there are two spirits, one being more intelligent than the other; there shall be another more intelligent than they; I am the Lord thy God, I am more intelligent than they all.

I dwell in the midst of them all; I now, therefore, have come down unto thee to declare unto thee the works which my hands have made, wherein my wisdom excelleth them all, for I rule in the heavens above, and in the earth beneath, in all wisdom and prudence, over all the intelligences thine eyes have seen from the beginning; I came down in the beginning in the midst of all the intelligences thou hast seen." (Abraham 3:18,19,21)

Reading these verses I was taught or rather reminded of the infinite wisdom of the Lord. I was reminded of the eternal nature of spirits and that God the Father knows all. He knows better than I do. He is the ruler over all and He is the perfect ruler. How prideful and unfaithful for me to think that I know best. How could I imagine that I know better than the Lord. I cried over my lack of faith and my heart plead to Him that I could truly trust Him and know that He is in charge and that He knows what is best.

My heart has changed and my faith has increased. I will trust Him.