Between all of the fun things I've barely had a moment to think about if I was feeling nauseous or not. However, with my upcoming prenatal appointment I started to get rather anxious. I did start to notice that I hadn't been feeling that nauseous. Perhaps I am just nearing the end of that phase of pregnancy? Or perhaps to busy to notice I've been nauseous? I tried to be optimistic, but it was impossible to not let my mind think that perhaps things aren't going well. Is everything okay? Am I still pregnant?
I was anxiously awaiting yet dreading my prenatal appointment knowing that I would find out if I was really still pregnant and knowing that we would hopefully hear this baby's heartbeat for the first time.
The morning of my prenatal appointment I was participating in a little training meeting and was presented with a beautiful video called He is Risen. The video depicted the final week of Christ's life, His atonement, crucifixion, and resurrection. In some of His final moments with his disciples He shares the words:
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. (John 14:27)Peace is what I needed for my anxious heart. I realized that through Christ I could have peace. I may not be able to have the peace and assurance that I was seeking from "the world." I was seeking to know that my baby was alive and well and that assurance would hopefully be given to me at my appointment. Yet, the peace that Christ could offer is so much more than that. The peace that Christ offers is the peace that I felt when I found out Luke was no longer living. It is the peace knowing that all will be made right in Christ. It is the peace knowing that He has given us the most precious gift of all -the atonement, the ability to repent and the with that the opportunity to live with both our Father in Heaven and our earthly family again. The peace that Christ gives is a peace that was not going to be achieved by a successful prenatal appointment. The peace that Christ gives is so much more than that.
I was so grateful for this insight. I was so grateful for an answer to my prayers that did not come in the way that I would expect, but came in a much greater and more meaningful way. I am so grateful for God's love for me, that He would open my ears and allow me to be taught as I heard the words of the scriptures.
I wish my faith were stronger and that I could tell you that as I laid there that afternoon and was smiling peacefully as we waited to hear the heartbeat! I wasn't. I was still anxious. And perhaps even a little prepared to hear that there was no heartbeat.
I laid there waiting...and waiting...and waiting to hear this little baby's heartbeat. The doppler picked up my own heartbeat. Baby's heartbeat? Nothing. The doppler picked up "uterine sounds." The baby's heartbeat? Nothing. The doppler picked up my digestive sounds. Baby's heartbeat? Nothing. Again, my own heartbeat. Uterine sounds. Digestive track. Uterine sounds. My heartbeat. Uterine sounds. My midwife continued to move the doppler around to find baby's heartbeat.
I tried to breath deep. I tried to relax. I tried to be patient. I reminded myself the baby is very small right now and it took a long time to find Luke's heartbeat at his first appointment. Yet my head raced with thoughts. Perhaps I'm not really pregnant. Perhaps it's just a blighted ovum*. Perhaps we've lost this baby too. Am I prepared to hear that news? If we can't find it will we go to the doctor's office to have an ultrasound done? Perhaps I should ask Sherri what the likelihood is that it's just a blighted ovum? Just breath. I looked over at Trevor knowing he was feeling just as anxious as I was.
Uterine sounds. My heartbeat. Digestive sounds. Uterine sounds. Baby' heartbeat!!!
I knew it was there! It had to be. What a relief. I nearly cried right then and there as the only outlet for my anxiety to be released. I didn't though and just breathed deeply and tried to let out some of the angst that had been climaxing for what seemed like several minutes. I don't know how long it actually was but it seemed like forever.
How grateful I am to be able to know this baby is alive and hopefully well. We pray for this little one every day. Yet I am even more grateful to know that if things do not end the way that I want them to Christ has given me peace beyond any peace I could obtain from any doppler or ultrasound.
*I had heard of a blighted ovum but learned more about it when I read this friends blog about her experience a few months ago.