Luke has been on my mind a little more lately. I've longed for him a little more. I've missed him a little more. I've cried over him a little more. It's good though.
It's not an all day long, depressing thing, just dwelling on him and being miserable. It's not like that. It's thinking about him. Caring about him. And loving him with all the tenderness of my heart.
Just the other day I told Trevor that it will be hard to not compare other people's babies to how old Luke would have been. There are certain people that I watched as they posted pregnancy updates on Facebook just like I was experiencing all along the way - "Finally out of the first trimester" or "Already at 20 weeks! Can't believe I'm halfway," and the likes. There's one woman who I was neck in neck with, our pregnancies being at the same point the entire way - just a few days off. And even another who had the exact same due date as me. Then there are other friends who gave birth weeks or even days within me.
How could I not look at these women and their babies and not think of Luke?
I don't feel resentment towards them. I wish I could describe the feeling. I, of course, am happy for my friends and these woman and am so grateful that they were able to have healthy babies. I can't help to look at them, though, with a bit of ... I can't find the right word ... awe, or wonder and think, That's how big Luke might have been. He'd be starting to smile, interact, sit up... or whatever it might be. I think it will never end. I think in five years I'll think, Luke would be starting kindergarten, or in 12, Luke would be going to the Priesthood session of conference with his dad, or 19 ...you get the idea. I don't think it will ever stop. It's strange though, to stare on and think about what might have been. I can't find the right word for how I feel when this happens, but it is definitely a feeling that is coated in a bit of sadness. It's not all sadness though. The sadness is only the bitter dark chocolate coating of the caramel and nuts of contemplation, amazement, and love.
Luke, I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about you. My sweet angel, I love you and still long to meet you. I wish so badly that that could be in this lifetime. If you ever get a break from whatever angel duties that you're busy with, please know you are more than welcome to come and visit. Even in a dream. We love you so very much! Love, your mommy.