Luke has been on my mind a little more lately. I've longed for him a little more. I've missed him a little more. I've cried over him a little more. It's good though.
It's not an all day long, depressing thing, just dwelling on him and being miserable. It's not like that. It's thinking about him. Caring about him. And loving him with all the tenderness of my heart.
Just the other day I told Trevor that it will be hard to not compare other people's babies to how old Luke would have been. There are certain people that I watched as they posted pregnancy updates on Facebook just like I was experiencing all along the way - "Finally out of the first trimester" or "Already at 20 weeks! Can't believe I'm halfway," and the likes. There's one woman who I was neck in neck with, our pregnancies being at the same point the entire way - just a few days off. And even another who had the exact same due date as me. Then there are other friends who gave birth weeks or even days within me.
How could I not look at these women and their babies and not think of Luke?
I don't feel resentment towards them. I wish I could describe the feeling. I, of course, am happy for my friends and these woman and am so grateful that they were able to have healthy babies. I can't help to look at them, though, with a bit of ... I can't find the right word ... awe, or wonder and think, That's how big Luke might have been. He'd be starting to smile, interact, sit up... or whatever it might be. I think it will never end. I think in five years I'll think, Luke would be starting kindergarten, or in 12, Luke would be going to the Priesthood session of conference with his dad, or 19 ...you get the idea. I don't think it will ever stop. It's strange though, to stare on and think about what might have been. I can't find the right word for how I feel when this happens, but it is definitely a feeling that is coated in a bit of sadness. It's not all sadness though. The sadness is only the bitter dark chocolate coating of the caramel and nuts of contemplation, amazement, and love.
Luke, I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about you. My sweet angel, I love you and still long to meet you. I wish so badly that that could be in this lifetime. If you ever get a break from whatever angel duties that you're busy with, please know you are more than welcome to come and visit. Even in a dream. We love you so very much! Love, your mommy.
I think about that too! I really do! You are so strong and so amazing. I also think about in 12 years, how many kids you will have by then. You could be pregnant with kid number 4, or even 5! For some reason I feel it will be kid number 6 in 12 years. I think about what Luke is teaching your other children. From what he heard in your tummy, telling them about their mother. Oh, what a good mother you will be too! Everything you have ever done, you put everything into it. You never call it good, you always say up late, and wake up early until it is finished and done right. You will do that for your family. I look forward to the day's I call you with parenting advice because I know you will have an answer, you already do! I love you Shelley, I love you Trevor, and mostly, I love Luke. Thank you for keeping his pictures up. I love looking at them and seeing what a perfect baby he is!
ReplyDeleteOh Shelley, this brought tears to my eyes. Your writing, your thoughts, your contemplation--they are so beautiful. It's been so long since our days together in Primary, but I've been following your blog and the story of your birth. You are a truly remarkable woman and I hope you and Trevor know what a wonderful couple you are. You are and will always be Luke's mother. I'm sure he looks down on his parents with such love and satisfaction.
ReplyDeleteAnnie, thank you. I'm so lucky to have you as my best friend! I might take that as a challenge...6 in 12 years!
ReplyDeleteAmy, thank you for your kind words. We have truly been blessed through others' prayers and our strength is not our own!
I can't completely imagine what you are going through, but at the same time, I bet I'd be doing the same thing. And I am always so grateful that you are handling this hardship so well - you truly are an inspiration. I think when I'm having a hardship, sometimes I feel almost guilty trying to handle it well - like I'm not being honest to myself about how hard it is. But with you, I can clearly see how hard it is, and yet, you handle it well. You are strong and faithful, and are doing such a good job. Luke must be so proud of you. I'm sure he loves you very much.
ReplyDeleteWow, has it really been four months? I too have had similar thoughts. I think about my babies at four months and I think that's what makes it so hard. They say time heals, but with this trial, time also makes the "what would have been" that much harder because a four-month old is so much fun. You and Trevor have so much courage. I know Luke will always be in your thoughts because he is yours!
ReplyDeleteI read The Christmas Box to Megan this afternoon and thought of you and cried for you. (a lot). I loved Mary's last letter to her little girl: "My Beloved One, How I wish that I might say these things to your gentle face and that this box might be found empty. Even as the mother of our Lord found the tomb they placed him in empty. And in this there is hope, my love. Hope of embracing you again and holding you to my breast. And this because of the great gift of Christmas. Because He came. The first Christmas offering from a parent to His children, because he loved them and wanted them back. I understand that in ways I never understood before, as my love for you has not waned with time, but has grown brighter with each Christmas season. How I look forward to that glorious day that I hold you again. I love you, my little angel.
ReplyDelete-Mother"
I love you and I am so grateful for your friendship. Luke is very lucky to have you as a mother. Just keep loving him. I'm sure that is the one thing that transcends this mortal world. I'm sure he can feel it. Now I'm crying again. Love you. Come over if you ever need to talk or cry. That's okay too. I'm good at it :)