A memory of what might have been...

It was two Christmases ago when I started to really picture myself as a mother.

The whole fam (Trevor's side, that is) was together in Seattle for Christmas. Our sister-in-law had recently given birth to twins. This meant there was always a baby to hold! When normally I would shy away from holding young babies and let people (like the grandmother) who really want to hold them do so, I was able to often have a baby in my arms (since Grandma was already holding one).

I was so glad that there was enough baby to go around so that I could spend lots of time with either my niece or my nephew. With one of the twins hoisted on my hip we looked into the mirror together as he discovered his little face in the reflection. As Jacob looked at his own face, I looked at the two of us and thought, this looks right, I'd definitely like to be a mother.

I vividly remember sitting in the quiet upstairs in the dark in an old rocking chair, soothing my niece, Jenna, as I quietly rocked her to sleep. It felt so right to have a little baby in my arms. It felt so comfortable sitting quietly rocking and humming lullabies. I knew then, I wanted my own rocking chair. I wanted my own baby.

My niece, Jenna and me

It's strange to think that if Luke were living he'd be the exact same age that my niece and nephew were two Christmases ago. Being born in August they were just about 5 months old. Luke would be coming up on 5 months too. It's strange to think that I could have been doing the same things -looking in the mirror with Luke hoisted on my hip as we smile at each other or quietly rocking and singing him to sleep.

Now I just look in the mirror and just wish that there was a cute, smiling baby looking back at me.

Hopefully one day.