Until We Meet Again

Luke I wanted to leave you with one last beautiful bouquet--at least for now. I knew it was going to be the last time that I'd be able to come to the cemetery to leave flowers for you for a while. I wanted them to be extra special. It had been a long week of celebrations for you daddy, packing, and all sorts of things. I was so tired as I searched for the perfect flowers to make you an arrangement. I wanted it to be really nice for you. I wanted it to be cheerful. I wanted it to have a bit of blue. As I stood with exhaustion in the store and thought about you and what I was trying to do for you I nearly broke down in tears. 

I  feel like the arrangement turned out beautiful and it was a beautiful, calm Sunday morning when I brought them to you. It was a very special morning for me  to come and be alone and ponder and pray and sing for you. I know you are not there, but I plead that you would be able to feel of my love for you.

 Oh how earnestly I want to be able to live my life so that I can be with you again one day. More Holiness Give Me was the song of my heart. 

 How many  tears I have shed on this sacred ground. It was hard to know I could not come here whenever I wanted to anymore. It was hard to know that I would not be the one to bring fresh flowers here to commemorate you.  

But how thankful I am to God that you have been laid to rest in ground that has been dedicated to be sacred and protected until the morning of the first resurrection. How grateful I am to know that your  sweet body will lay here, safe and protected until the glorious day that the Lord's power and resurrection will become a reality for you and for me. Oh towards that glorious day I look with joy. 

 On Monday we stopped by one last time. It was our last stop as we left our wonderful home in Payson. We will always remember Payson as your home, though we never lived there we were there because of you. What a blessing you are to us. What a blessing it was that your life and death brought us to that place. Our lives and been forever changed because of you, our son. 

May God be with you and us, until we meet again. 

Peace In Christ

Life seems to be such a whirlwind right now! Between hosting parties, having family in town, attending and celebrating graduation, celebrating our anniversary, and packing up our entire house to move--there has been almost no down time. A wonderful whirlwind but a whirlwind nevertheless!

Between all of the fun things I've barely had a moment to think about if I was feeling nauseous or not. However, with my upcoming prenatal appointment I started to get rather anxious. I did start to notice that I hadn't been feeling that nauseous. Perhaps I am just nearing the end of that phase of pregnancy? Or perhaps to busy to notice I've been nauseous? I tried to be optimistic, but it was impossible to not let my mind think that perhaps things aren't going well. Is everything okay? Am I still pregnant? 


I was anxiously awaiting yet dreading my prenatal appointment knowing that I would find out if I was really still pregnant and knowing that we would hopefully hear this baby's heartbeat for the first time.

The morning of my prenatal appointment I was participating in a little training meeting and was presented with a beautiful video called He is Risen. The video depicted the final week of Christ's life, His atonement, crucifixion, and resurrection. In some of His final moments with his disciples He shares the words:

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. (John 14:27)

Peace is what I needed for my anxious heart. I realized that through Christ I could have peace. I may not be able to have the peace and assurance that I was seeking from "the world." I was seeking to know that my baby was alive and well and that assurance would hopefully be given to me at my appointment. Yet, the peace that Christ could offer is so much more than that. The peace that Christ offers is the peace that I felt when I found out Luke was no longer living. It is the peace knowing that all will be made right in Christ. It is the peace knowing that He has given us the most precious gift of all -the atonement, the ability to repent and the with that the opportunity to live with both our Father in Heaven and our earthly family again. The peace that Christ gives is a peace that was not going to be achieved by a successful prenatal appointment. The peace that Christ gives is so much more than that.  

I was so grateful for this insight. I was so grateful for an answer to my prayers that did not come in the way that I would expect, but came in a much greater and more meaningful way. I am so grateful for God's love for me, that He would open my ears and allow me to be taught as I heard the words of the scriptures.

I wish my faith were stronger and that I could tell you that as I laid there that afternoon and was smiling peacefully as we waited to hear the heartbeat! I wasn't. I was still anxious. And perhaps even a little prepared to hear that there was no heartbeat.

I laid there waiting...and waiting...and waiting to hear this little baby's heartbeat. The doppler picked up my own heartbeat. Baby's heartbeat? Nothing. The doppler picked up "uterine sounds." The baby's heartbeat? Nothing. The doppler picked up my digestive sounds. Baby's heartbeat? Nothing. Again, my own heartbeat. Uterine sounds. Digestive track. Uterine sounds. My heartbeat. Uterine sounds. My midwife continued to move the doppler around to find baby's heartbeat.

I tried to breath deep. I tried to relax. I tried to be patient. I reminded myself the baby is very small right now and it took a long time to find Luke's heartbeat at his first appointment. Yet my head raced with thoughts. Perhaps I'm not really pregnant. Perhaps it's just a blighted ovum*. Perhaps we've lost this baby too. Am I prepared to hear that news? If we can't find it will we go to the doctor's office to have an ultrasound done? Perhaps I should ask Sherri what the likelihood is that it's just a blighted ovum? Just breath. I looked over at Trevor knowing he was feeling just as anxious as I was.

Uterine sounds. My heartbeat. Digestive sounds. Uterine sounds. Baby' heartbeat!!!

I knew it was there! It had to be. What a relief. I nearly cried right then and there as the only outlet for my anxiety to be released. I didn't though and just breathed deeply and tried to let out some of the angst that had been climaxing for what seemed like several minutes. I don't know how long it actually was but it seemed like forever.

How grateful I am to be able to know this baby is alive and hopefully well. We pray for this little one every day. Yet I am even more grateful to know that if things do not end the way that I want them to Christ has given me peace beyond any peace I could obtain from any doppler or ultrasound.

*****

*I had heard of a blighted ovum but learned more about it when I read this friends blog about her experience a few months ago.

Packing Up Luke's Nursery

I sit here. In Luke's nursery. Still not ready to take it down. Our whole house has to be packed by tomorrow and this room must be packed up as well.

I never wanted to take it down. I even kept working on it after Luke was born. Perhaps because I just wanted to see it done. Perhaps because I thought it would be the home of our next child. Many friends have offered to help us pack. This one I will do alone. I'm still not ready for it to go. I'm not ready to let go of his room. Perhaps because it's all that's left of him here--his possessions. Everything carefully selected either by me or friends and family that cared for him and our family. Every last detail designed in my mind and then created.

I don't want to see it go. I love the smell of this room. I love the smell of the new diapers in the changing table drawer. I love the smell when you open the closet. I'm not sure if it's the smell of the new car seat stored in there but it has such a distinct smell and I love it. I love the piles of clothes perfectly organized by size with my favorites on top. I love everything about this room.

Even though Luke never claimed the room as his own he was with me as I envisioned and created it. He was with me when I would wake up at 3 am unable to go back to sleep and I would work on things like assembling the crib and washing every last piece of clothing, sock, and blanket. He was with me as I laid on the floor staring at the window trying to decide what I could create for a window treatment for such a big window. He was with me as I would layout the paint samples and squint my eyes to try to visualize the paint colors and how they would look. He was with me on my birthday when all I wanted to do for my birthday was get his nursery painted. He was with me as I painted wooden blocks that I would add his name too once he was born. He was with me as I got up early and stayed up late sewing his quilt. He was with me when I wandered through the fabric store wondering if I was crazy to try to choose a color scheme that would force me to paint an already baby-blue room to a new color which wouldn't clash. He was with me when I drove up to Sandy to buy a changing table off of craigslist so I could have just what I envisioned. He was with me when I was exercising in Provo and found the perfect tree branch that would become the mobile above his bed. He was with me when I decided to sew my own bed-skirt for his crib. He was with me when I found the quaint animal prints in a boutique in San Francisco that I decided to turn into wall art. He was with me when I planned every last detail and with me as I implemented most of them.

We created this room together.

How do I put that in a box?

Watching the funeral director close the lid on Luke's casket was one of the hardest moments of my life. And now it is my responsibility to pack up all of his things and close the lid on the only physical evidence left of him.

I'm not ready to do that. I won't ever be ready for that. But sometimes life forces us to press forward and do the things we simple aren't ready to do.

*****

Yesterday morning I was at least able to take pictures of Luke's nursery. Minus some pictures in the frames and repainting the mirrors, it is essentially how I envisioned it. I've loved this room. I've loved my rocking chair as a place to ponder, read, pray, think, cry, and write. At least I will be able to take the pictures and the memories with me wherever I go.

*****

Dear nursery, I don't want to, but I must bid you adieu.  

Trevor's Graduation

This past weekend was BYU graduation. First, I'll say that I'm so proud of Trevor for pushing through, sticking around for an extra year to get a masters degree, and for tackling a semester with a class load way more than normal (24 credit hours) so that he could be done in time for graduation! He seriously has been so great at using his time wisely--getting stuff done at school and still leaving ample time for mid-semester vacations and lots of quality time with me. All the while never really stressing (too much) about getting it all done. He's definitely a cougar that deserves a

Ra, ra, ra, ra, ra,
Ra, ra, ra, ra, ra,
Ra, ra, ra, ra, ra, GOOOOO COUGAR!

I think like all monumental moments in our life it's hard for me to not feel like Luke should be with us. Of course, I know that he shouldn't because if he were supposed to be here, Heavenly Father would have made it that way. Yet it felt so void to be empty armed as we gathered around to take our celebratory pictures around campus.

Trevor graduated from the BYU Marriot School of Management, which happens to be voted the most "family friendly." I love that about BYU and love that Trevor's particular college received such an award. During the graduation ceremonies the dean of the school took time to acknowledge and applaud a variety of groups of people mostly within the graduating class; however, one group he asked to stand was all the spouses and children of the graduates. I stood. I stood alone even though in my minds eye I stood holding an adorable 8-month-old, smiling baby. I wished the people around me could see that it wasn't just me that is part of Trevor's family. I wished everyone else could know that Luke is a part of our family too. Oh how I longed for him to be there with us, in my arms, as his daddy's little supporter.

Those couple days I had a desire to hold a baby more than usual. Anywhere we went I felt a longing to have a baby in my own arms--these instances at BYU, walking around Costco, at lunch--wherever we were there were other's with their children and I wanted so badly for that to be me too.

Luke, you were missed this past weekend as we celebrated your dad's accomplishments with our family and friends. You, of course, are always missed but the void was so noticeable without you with us. Perhaps you were able to give a little cheer for your dad from your heavenly location. Perhaps you were more with us than I realize. We love you and wish you could have been with us during all the fun celebrations! Love, your mommy. 

Jealousy Vs Joy

A couple months ago (before I was pregant, or at least before I knew I was pregnant again) we were in Cafe Rio. Well, I was in Cafe Rio waiting for Trevor to meet up with me. 

It's always a little weird to go there because that's one of the last places I went when I was pregnant with Luke, but this time seemed to be especially difficult. There was almost no one else in the restaurant (which is super weird for Cafe Rio at dinner time) except for two other couples. And wouldn't it be my luck that both of these women were very pregnant?

Seriously!? I felt tormented. Here I was standing in the building where I last remember feeling my son move and I'm all alone surrounded by pregnant women.

Words can't explain what I felt as I sat there and watched them, perfectly blissful and pregnant. It felt unfair. I felt envious. I felt like that used to be me, but here I am...emptyhanded. I felt like they should know their baby could die and every pregnant woman doesn't get to bring their baby home. I also couldn't help thinking that they could also be the 1 in 4 that have already experienced pregnancy loss. I realized that could be me down the road - plump and pregnant and looked at with envious eyes. I thought if only those potential envious eyes really knew my story they might not feel that way. I knew I shouldn't feel the way that I did, but that's how I felt. I felt tearful. I felt emotional. I felt jealous. I felt pain. I felt lonely. I felt so empty handed. It didn't really feel fair.

Elder Holland gave an insightful address at conference. He spoke of the parable of the laborers who start work at different times throughout the day, but all receive equal pay. He addresses the jealousy felt by those that received the same pay as their counterparts that started later in the day.

"Then this piercing question to anyone then or now who needs to hear it: 'Why should you be jealous because I choose to be kind?'

"Brothers and sisters, there are going to be times in our lives when someone else gets an unexpected blessing or receives some special recognition. May I plead with us not to be hurt—and certainly not to feel envious—when good fortune comes to another person? We are not diminished when someone else is added upon. We are not in a race against each other to see who is the wealthiest or the most talented or the most beautiful or even the most blessed. The race we are really in is the race against sin, and surely envy is one of the most universal of those. 

"Furthermore, envy is a mistake that just keeps on giving. Obviously we suffer a little when some misfortune befalls us, but envy requires us to suffer all good fortune that befalls everyone we know! What a bright prospect that is—downing another quart of pickle juice every time anyone around you has a happy moment! To say nothing of the chagrin in the end, when we find that God really is both just and merciful, giving to all who stand with Him 'all that he hath,' as the scripture says. So lesson number one from the Lord’s vineyard: coveting, pouting, or tearing others down does not elevate your standing, nor does demeaning someone else improve your self-image. So be kind, and be grateful that God is kind. It is a happy way to live." (Jeffery R. Holland, The Laborers in the Vineyard)

For some reason it is so easy for me to be happy and excited for my friends when they are pregnant and have babies, but when it's a stranger I've had the tendency to be jealous and spiteful. I suppose that is my weakness of not having Christlike love for all people. I realize that it is not good to be envious and that I should be happy for anyone that is blessed with things that are good, even if I haven't been blessed with the same fortune yet. It's hard to do.

Being pregnant again makes it easier to not be jealous of other pregnant women, because I'm back into this pool of women that will hopefully deliver a healthy baby that lives. Being pregnant again has caused me to be fearful that others (especially those of my friends that have been trying so desperately to conceive after their own loss) would be jealous of me or feel like it's not fair.  That's a fear and concern that is out of my control though and all I can do is hope and pray that others will be blessed with love. The love that I didn't feel for the pregnant women (whom I didn't know) that I encountered .

And in the end it will be fair. Our Heavenly Father will bless each of us with all that He has promised and if we are righteous and keep our covenants, an eternal family will be one of those many blessings that we can all receive. I should not be jealous of other moms that have been able to receive the blessing of motherhood before me, because I too will receive that blessing hopefully in the near future and definitely in the eternities to come.

May the Lord bless me and each of us with joy for each other's blessings and successes.

Crying over Clothes

Trevor and I were able to go to Salt Lake the other weekend to attend a session of General Conference. It truly was such a blessing to be there and be in the presence of the leaders of our church and surrounded by so many faithful members.

We found a lucky parking spot on the street right in front of the new City Creek shopping center. Trevor brought his bike and rode it back to Sandy and I was going to drive home. Seeing that we were parked right in front of H&M, I couldn't resist wandering in. I don't need any clothes and it's not in our budget to shop for any right now, but I couldn't turn down just looking. I decided to look at the baby section because my best friend is having a girl and it couldn't hurt to start doing some shopping for her.

Who would have guessed that my little shopping adventure would leave me in the back of the store crying over clothes? I sure didn't see that coming. Being there took me back to being in H&M last May.

We were in San Francisco for a little vacation with some friends. I was about 6 months pregnant with Luke at the time. My friend Lizzy and I spent our days sight-seeing and shopping while our husbands were at the Google IO Conference. We spent a few happy hours shopping in H&M. I spent my time shopping for clothes that would fit my growing, pregnant body; clothes that would be good to wear while nursing; and browsing through baby clothes that I might like to buy.

And now I stood looking at handsome little boy clothes that I was only wishing that I was buying for my own son. How I wished it was different. It broke my heart to be there imagining what might have been, yet living my reality of not having my little Luke with me. It broke my heart to think back to my blissful memories being pregnant with Luke, while standing there alone in the store without him.