Does being pregnant make grieving easier?
To this question I would answer, no.
What being pregnant does make easier is knowing what I might do with my life in the near future. It gives me a plan and a focus for continuing to prepare to be the best mother that I can be. It gives me new direction. It gives me hope that we can have a family here on earth—in this life. It gives me an undeniable sense of gratitude to the Lord for allowing what I hope and dream for—to live my life as a mother—to be a part of my life.
But it doesn't take away my longing for my son. It doesn't remove him from my thoughts. It doesn't take away the emptiness in my heart that waits to be filled with a relationship with my son, Luke. It doesn't push out the overwhelming love I have for my son.
My friend's mother lost one of her twins to SIDS many years ago. At the funeral someone made a thoughtless comment along the lines of "at least she still has one." How foolish to think one child would compensate for the loss of another! Like I think I've said before, children are not just one in a set of dishes that can be replaced. Each child is an individual. Each child has a place in my heart that could never be replaced by the love that I have for another one of my children.
So no, being pregnant does not change how I grieve my son's life which I will always wish could occur here and now with us, but it does give me hope for a life as a mother in the near future and there is most definitely joy in that.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Pregnant Again!!
*** Written Sunday, March 5, 2012 ***
So many thoughts and feelings are running through my head! And I don't even know where to begin this story! It's such a juxtaposition to have thoughts and words running through my head as I try to sort out my emotions of grieving as I also try to embrace my reality and hope of our future family, because I just found out I'm pregnant.
Yes, that's right. I just found out I'm pregnant!!!
*****
For anyone that's curious (and mostly for my personal memory and record) here's the lengthy story of how I finally found out.
*****
For anyone that's curious (and mostly for my personal memory and record) here's the lengthy story of how I finally found out.
*****
It was Sunday, March 4 when I anticipated starting my period.
At the beginning of February, I was doubtful and frustrated that I wasn't pregnant yet. I was sure that if it was the plan for Lord to take my son's life because he only needed to come to earth to receive a body, than surely the Lord would send another child soon so that my wants and desires to be a mother could be fulfilled. I had heard of mom's delivering their babies almost exactly a year after they had lost a previous child. That could be me. Surely the Lord would give me that blessing!
Well, to my disappointment and lack of understanding His will - He did not allow that to happen.
At one point I almost wanted to give up. Perhaps if we didn't try to conceive, I wouldn't be disappointed that I wasn't pregnant. I, for once, would actually feel like I was in control. But that was craziness, because not being pregnant wasn't the end result that I truly desired.
I was recently blessed with enlightenment and understanding about faith and truly trusting in God's plan and timing of things (which you can read about here). I had come to grips with the fact that having a family here on earth could take a long time and I was okay with that.
So finally when that anticipated yet dreaded 28th day rolled around I was ready to accept a 'no' for my answer. I had taken a pregnancy test a few days before and it was negative. I was going to let myself believe it this time and not just hope that it was a "false negative."
You can imagine my angst when there was no period. Did I miss count days? Is it just late? Is this happening to try my faith even more?
Feeling really stupid for using my last pregnancy test prematurely, I began texting some friends that I thought might have an extra pregnancy test around. It was Sunday and we don't shop on Sunday, so we weren't about to go to Walmart to get one. No one was replying to my messages. We googled "homemade pregnancy tests" to discover nothing promising, but some people claimed you can put your urine in bleach and it will supposedly fizz if you're pregnant. Before we could try this test, a friend was able to have her husband drop an unused test off at our house.
Trevor and I were in the middle of a weekly planning meeting and I knew I wouldn't be able to focus on it anymore if I took the test. I held out as long as I could, trying to plan our week and talk about our family goals. I had guzzled a ton of water once I found out the test was on it's way and I couldn't wait any longer!
Trevor and I were in the middle of a weekly planning meeting and I knew I wouldn't be able to focus on it anymore if I took the test. I held out as long as I could, trying to plan our week and talk about our family goals. I had guzzled a ton of water once I found out the test was on it's way and I couldn't wait any longer!
Well...I was left even more mystified than before!! The test appeared to be negative but might have the faintest of lines in the positive area. Could it be? Could I believe it? How could I not get my hopes up?
I decided to try the homemade bleach pregnancy test to see if it would confirm anything. All the bleach proved is that Trevor is pregnant! That is obviously not a reliable test!
We go to bed still unsure if I'm really pregnant or not. I wake up at 4:30 am, anxious and needing to use the restroom! Of course, I quietly sneak out of the house and head straight to Walmart to buy an overpriced test that won't leave me wondering. I guess I don't need to give a play-by-play from here on out because the picture speaks for itself!
Needless to say I am completely enamored, elated, and excited to be expecting!
*****
My decision to release this information so soon is based on a variety of things which I plan to write about in the near future. But mostly I wanted to be able to continue to write freely about my thoughts and emotions as I experience them. No secrets here...
Sunday, March 11, 2012
White Roses
Luke these flowers were purchased the same morning I purchased a pregnancy test to find out that you will have a sibling. Perhaps as a gift to let you know the good news...although I'm sure you already knew.
It was a warm spring morning and my heart was full with anticipation and gratitude for Easter. I wept as I knelt there thinking about our family. You--in heaven accomplishing a marvelous work and another spirit that is now a part of our family. Even though I know you are not there it felt like for a moment that I was there with my two children. How grateful I am to God to have both of you.
I wish I had written about the experience sooner because the details of this beautiful Sunday morning are already fleeting from my mind. I remember how glorious it was that even though your grave is under the shade of a tree, the bright rays of the sun shown perfectly through the branches onto the grass next to your grave. It was like a little gift from God to be able to sit in the warm sun, next to your grave. It was a little miracle of the morning. I knew God knows me and He is aware of us and our family. How grateful I was for this simple tender mercy.
It was a warm spring morning and my heart was full with anticipation and gratitude for Easter. I wept as I knelt there thinking about our family. You--in heaven accomplishing a marvelous work and another spirit that is now a part of our family. Even though I know you are not there it felt like for a moment that I was there with my two children. How grateful I am to God to have both of you.
I wish I had written about the experience sooner because the details of this beautiful Sunday morning are already fleeting from my mind. I remember how glorious it was that even though your grave is under the shade of a tree, the bright rays of the sun shown perfectly through the branches onto the grass next to your grave. It was like a little gift from God to be able to sit in the warm sun, next to your grave. It was a little miracle of the morning. I knew God knows me and He is aware of us and our family. How grateful I was for this simple tender mercy.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Hope of Spring
On Tuesday morning I arrived at the Provo temple, stepped out of my car into the dark morning and felt the warm air around me. I heard birds chirping and Springtime felt so near. I could nearly feel it surround me. I felt so hopeful and grateful to the Lord for the blessings in my life. I felt myself choke up right then and there as the sound of the birds skimmed above my head. If only I could be sure to forever hold on to that feeling of overwhelming gratitude and hope for a warmer, brighter day that is lovingly bestowed upon me by our Father in Heaven.
To Him I am so grateful--for the warmth of His love and for everything that the new life of spring represents.
To Him I am so grateful--for the warmth of His love and for everything that the new life of spring represents.
7 Months
Today I decided to give a mom a hand by taking her grocery cart to the cart return so it would be easier for her to get her baby in the car. Her cute little girl sitting in the cart and gave me the biggest smile. Upon asking, I discovered her baby was about 8 months.
It's strange to think that if Luke were here that would be him sitting up and smiling and being my buddy during the day.
I guess he's my buddy in a different way. He is with me in my heart and in my thoughts. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Luke. Yet, at the same time, sometimes it seems like it was all a dream.
The other day I was organizing and uploading pictures that had piled up on my camera. Many were taken while I was pregnant. I also stumbled across pictures of me that Trevor had taken on his phone. Since I hadn't seen them I almost didn't even know they existed (even though I was there for the picture!) Looking at those pictures seemed unreal. Is that really me with that big pregnant belly?
Sometimes in my mind I've wondered, Was I ever really pregnant. Was that my reality for nearly a year? Did that year happen?
It's like a math equation that doesn't add up. Not having my baby here with me should add up to not being pregnant. Or if I was pregnant than I should have a baby here with me. Well neither of those are true. It doesn't add up like that. I was pregnant and I don't have my baby here with me. It's no wonder my mind starts to wonder if I really was pregnant for nine months.
It's a weird feeling to feel like your life was a dream. To have memories and see pictures that you're not sure to smile or cry about. It's indescribable--to feel like you lived nearly a year believing something that isn't true now. It makes it seem like perhaps those moments that are now history are different. I can't put it into words the way it feels when --an experience that is so fleeting and illusionary--a reality seems like it was simply a dream.
Yet in my mind and in my heart I do know it was real. I remember seeing my stomach move when Luke moved. I remember feeling his kicks. I remember the awe and amazement of seeing his little body on an ultrasound for the first time--to see his perfectly formed spine and little bones ...all of which was inside of me! I remember sitting in church on Mother's Day feeling Luke squirming and putting Trevor's hand on my tummy so he could feel it too.
I remember it. And it was real. My anticipated reality may have altered, but that does not change the reality of what happened.
My little angel, I love you. I love remembering you. I love remembering the time when you were with me. I never imagined that my life would be one without you, but you are still a part of my life. Every day. You are here. With me. In my heart and memories. I love you more than I ever imagined that I could. Love, your mommy.
It's strange to think that if Luke were here that would be him sitting up and smiling and being my buddy during the day.
I guess he's my buddy in a different way. He is with me in my heart and in my thoughts. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Luke. Yet, at the same time, sometimes it seems like it was all a dream.
The other day I was organizing and uploading pictures that had piled up on my camera. Many were taken while I was pregnant. I also stumbled across pictures of me that Trevor had taken on his phone. Since I hadn't seen them I almost didn't even know they existed (even though I was there for the picture!) Looking at those pictures seemed unreal. Is that really me with that big pregnant belly?
 |
| May 7, 2011 - 27 weeks |
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| May 12, 2011 - 28 weeks |
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| May 30, 2011 - 30 weeks |
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| July 4, 2011 - 36 weeks |
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| July 24 2011 - 39 weeks |
It's like a math equation that doesn't add up. Not having my baby here with me should add up to not being pregnant. Or if I was pregnant than I should have a baby here with me. Well neither of those are true. It doesn't add up like that. I was pregnant and I don't have my baby here with me. It's no wonder my mind starts to wonder if I really was pregnant for nine months.
It's a weird feeling to feel like your life was a dream. To have memories and see pictures that you're not sure to smile or cry about. It's indescribable--to feel like you lived nearly a year believing something that isn't true now. It makes it seem like perhaps those moments that are now history are different. I can't put it into words the way it feels when --an experience that is so fleeting and illusionary--a reality seems like it was simply a dream.
Yet in my mind and in my heart I do know it was real. I remember seeing my stomach move when Luke moved. I remember feeling his kicks. I remember the awe and amazement of seeing his little body on an ultrasound for the first time--to see his perfectly formed spine and little bones ...all of which was inside of me! I remember sitting in church on Mother's Day feeling Luke squirming and putting Trevor's hand on my tummy so he could feel it too.
I remember it. And it was real. My anticipated reality may have altered, but that does not change the reality of what happened.
My little angel, I love you. I love remembering you. I love remembering the time when you were with me. I never imagined that my life would be one without you, but you are still a part of my life. Every day. You are here. With me. In my heart and memories. I love you more than I ever imagined that I could. Love, your mommy.
*****
*Update* After writing this, I remembered a post with some different thoughts about wondering if I was pregnant and other people acknowledging it too which I never published. I decided to "back publish" it near the date that I wrote it in January.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Marketing - Make It Stop
Every mother who has lost her baby knows this - but it's something the rest of the world doesn't even think about.
JUNK MAIL
Yes, junk mail. There isn't a week that goes by that marketing isn't coming through from Enfamil, Johnson & Johnson, or Babies R Us.
Usually it doesn't really bother me. And I even discovered that my sweet husband usually throws it out before I see it, when he gets the mail.
Today I decided I was sick of it. Yesterday, I received an email from Enfamil (Serouisly, why nearly 7 months after giving birth am I starting to receive these?). I tried to unsubscribe. They didn't make the process easy, but I did it. Today, I got another email from them and I decided I'M SICK OF THIS!
I don't even know how so many places got my information - if I had my guess it would be that the clothing store Motherhood Maternity sold it off to them, but I don't know for certain.
I remember the hospital gave me a paper that talked about sending something in to get off of the mailing lists for things like this, but it wasn't very clear. If it had been, I most certainly would have done it! I'm all about unsubscribing from any sort of junk mail -physical or digital.
No mother that doesn't get to bring her baby home should have to deal with the unending marketing, constantly reminding us of what we don't have.
I think I've finally discovered what I can do to give back to this community of bereaved parents. Like I mentioned before, so many people offer such beautiful gifts for healing after their own loss. I didn't feel like it was my call to make necklaces or anything like that, but I wanted to do something. Well now my blood is boiling and I think it's going to move me to action. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it. I'm not sure how long it will take. But I want to create a "one-step" process that will notify everyone -Babies R Us, Enfamil, Babycenter.com, you name it- of your loss so that they can stop sending you the unwanted and even painful marketing that shows up everywhere.
I'm sure this won't be an easy task because asking a corporate company to stop advertising and trying to make money seems impossible. But they're not making money off of us! Hopefully I can find someone with a heart that will be willing to help me make it happen.
I don't really know how to go about this yet. But I'm sure going to try. Comments, thoughts, and suggestions are very welcome!
JUNK MAIL
Yes, junk mail. There isn't a week that goes by that marketing isn't coming through from Enfamil, Johnson & Johnson, or Babies R Us.
Usually it doesn't really bother me. And I even discovered that my sweet husband usually throws it out before I see it, when he gets the mail.
Today I decided I was sick of it. Yesterday, I received an email from Enfamil (Serouisly, why nearly 7 months after giving birth am I starting to receive these?). I tried to unsubscribe. They didn't make the process easy, but I did it. Today, I got another email from them and I decided I'M SICK OF THIS!
I don't even know how so many places got my information - if I had my guess it would be that the clothing store Motherhood Maternity sold it off to them, but I don't know for certain.
I remember the hospital gave me a paper that talked about sending something in to get off of the mailing lists for things like this, but it wasn't very clear. If it had been, I most certainly would have done it! I'm all about unsubscribing from any sort of junk mail -physical or digital.
No mother that doesn't get to bring her baby home should have to deal with the unending marketing, constantly reminding us of what we don't have.
I think I've finally discovered what I can do to give back to this community of bereaved parents. Like I mentioned before, so many people offer such beautiful gifts for healing after their own loss. I didn't feel like it was my call to make necklaces or anything like that, but I wanted to do something. Well now my blood is boiling and I think it's going to move me to action. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it. I'm not sure how long it will take. But I want to create a "one-step" process that will notify everyone -Babies R Us, Enfamil, Babycenter.com, you name it- of your loss so that they can stop sending you the unwanted and even painful marketing that shows up everywhere.
I'm sure this won't be an easy task because asking a corporate company to stop advertising and trying to make money seems impossible. But they're not making money off of us! Hopefully I can find someone with a heart that will be willing to help me make it happen.
I don't really know how to go about this yet. But I'm sure going to try. Comments, thoughts, and suggestions are very welcome!
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