It's strange to think that if Luke were here that would be him sitting up and smiling and being my buddy during the day.
I guess he's my buddy in a different way. He is with me in my heart and in my thoughts. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Luke. Yet, at the same time, sometimes it seems like it was all a dream.
The other day I was organizing and uploading pictures that had piled up on my camera. Many were taken while I was pregnant. I also stumbled across pictures of me that Trevor had taken on his phone. Since I hadn't seen them I almost didn't even know they existed (even though I was there for the picture!) Looking at those pictures seemed unreal. Is that really me with that big pregnant belly?
|May 7, 2011 - 27 weeks|
|May 12, 2011 - 28 weeks|
|May 30, 2011 - 30 weeks|
|July 4, 2011 - 36 weeks|
|July 24 2011 - 39 weeks|
It's like a math equation that doesn't add up. Not having my baby here with me should add up to not being pregnant. Or if I was pregnant than I should have a baby here with me. Well neither of those are true. It doesn't add up like that. I was pregnant and I don't have my baby here with me. It's no wonder my mind starts to wonder if I really was pregnant for nine months.
It's a weird feeling to feel like your life was a dream. To have memories and see pictures that you're not sure to smile or cry about. It's indescribable--to feel like you lived nearly a year believing something that isn't true now. It makes it seem like perhaps those moments that are now history are different. I can't put it into words the way it feels when --an experience that is so fleeting and illusionary--a reality seems like it was simply a dream.
Yet in my mind and in my heart I do know it was real. I remember seeing my stomach move when Luke moved. I remember feeling his kicks. I remember the awe and amazement of seeing his little body on an ultrasound for the first time--to see his perfectly formed spine and little bones ...all of which was inside of me! I remember sitting in church on Mother's Day feeling Luke squirming and putting Trevor's hand on my tummy so he could feel it too.
I remember it. And it was real. My anticipated reality may have altered, but that does not change the reality of what happened.
My little angel, I love you. I love remembering you. I love remembering the time when you were with me. I never imagined that my life would be one without you, but you are still a part of my life. Every day. You are here. With me. In my heart and memories. I love you more than I ever imagined that I could. Love, your mommy.
*Update* After writing this, I remembered a post with some different thoughts about wondering if I was pregnant and other people acknowledging it too which I never published. I decided to "back publish" it near the date that I wrote it in January.