It's strange to think that if Luke were here that would be him sitting up and smiling and being my buddy during the day.
I guess he's my buddy in a different way. He is with me in my heart and in my thoughts. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Luke. Yet, at the same time, sometimes it seems like it was all a dream.
The other day I was organizing and uploading pictures that had piled up on my camera. Many were taken while I was pregnant. I also stumbled across pictures of me that Trevor had taken on his phone. Since I hadn't seen them I almost didn't even know they existed (even though I was there for the picture!) Looking at those pictures seemed unreal. Is that really me with that big pregnant belly?
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| May 7, 2011 - 27 weeks |
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| May 12, 2011 - 28 weeks |
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| May 30, 2011 - 30 weeks |
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| July 4, 2011 - 36 weeks |
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| July 24 2011 - 39 weeks |
It's like a math equation that doesn't add up. Not having my baby here with me should add up to not being pregnant. Or if I was pregnant than I should have a baby here with me. Well neither of those are true. It doesn't add up like that. I was pregnant and I don't have my baby here with me. It's no wonder my mind starts to wonder if I really was pregnant for nine months.
It's a weird feeling to feel like your life was a dream. To have memories and see pictures that you're not sure to smile or cry about. It's indescribable--to feel like you lived nearly a year believing something that isn't true now. It makes it seem like perhaps those moments that are now history are different. I can't put it into words the way it feels when --an experience that is so fleeting and illusionary--a reality seems like it was simply a dream.
Yet in my mind and in my heart I do know it was real. I remember seeing my stomach move when Luke moved. I remember feeling his kicks. I remember the awe and amazement of seeing his little body on an ultrasound for the first time--to see his perfectly formed spine and little bones ...all of which was inside of me! I remember sitting in church on Mother's Day feeling Luke squirming and putting Trevor's hand on my tummy so he could feel it too.
I remember it. And it was real. My anticipated reality may have altered, but that does not change the reality of what happened.
My little angel, I love you. I love remembering you. I love remembering the time when you were with me. I never imagined that my life would be one without you, but you are still a part of my life. Every day. You are here. With me. In my heart and memories. I love you more than I ever imagined that I could. Love, your mommy.
*****
*Update* After writing this, I remembered a post with some different thoughts about wondering if I was pregnant and other people acknowledging it too which I never published. I decided to "back publish" it near the date that I wrote it in January.
Very well written and so touching. Thank you so much for sharing these intimate feelings with us so we can understand better and "go through" this with you in our own way. I saw you (while helping in Primary) when you were close to being due and you were the cutest pregnant lady! All baby! It was real and he is still real and we all love him.
ReplyDeleteLove you! XOXOX
ReplyDeleteShelley, you are so brave. Just discovered yesterday I had a miscarraige. I was 9 weeks along. Knowing how painful this is, I know your pain must be so much greater. I'm even more sorry for your loss now than when I first discovered what had happened, because now I have a little taste of it myself.
ReplyDeleteJessie, this news breaks my heart. I don't know that you can say my pain is greater, but perhaps different. I have never lost a baby so early as you so I don't fully understand what you are experiencing either, but I think we can relate to each other in a new way - and unfortunately in a way that I never hope to be able to relate to people.
DeleteYou will be in my thoughts and prayers as you experience this heartache and eventual healing. If you ever need a listening ear or someone to talk to, I'm always available.
I love the pictures, and though I have not experienced the same feeling as you in relation to pregnancy, I have had a period of my life where the expectation and preparation for something amazing that had my heart and soul in it was yanked away. ...and then, a few months down the road, you wonder: did that really happen? Was that real? But it was. I'm not sure I could ever have expressed it as perfectly as you... so thank you.
ReplyDeleteI love you, and my heart still aches for both of you and I cry often - while reading these or thinking of you. You're still in my prayers, and I'm excited to have you move out here.
Obviously not to the same degree, but I find times in my life that have been highly emotional or had an emotional outcome are sometimes forgotten. Of course I'm not talking memory loss, but what you described. I look at photos of myself during a certain time and I think, was I really there? I think it's the brain's and maybe spirit's way of helping us move along a little faster.
ReplyDeleteYou made one darling pregnant woman and I just read the January post, too. I can't believe that was taken 12 days after delivering Luke. You are seriously one hot mama :)
You reminded me of that scripture Jacob 7:26 about life passing as if it were a dream.
ReplyDeleteGreat big hugs....
ReplyDeleteYou *were* pregnant, and I remember it! I have a few great memories of you asking me questions or us discussing mothering things and it gives me great fondness :). Those memories can never be taken away from you, and I am sure will merge to be a part of your mothering experience with Luke.
ReplyDeleteLike many others have expressed, I too have felt this feeling regarding certain experiences in my life. I think each of us to a certain extent put traumatic events in a part of our brain that is least painful as part of the healing process. Then an image, a memory, or a comment by someone causes those feelings regarding the experience to emerge once again, giving us a twinge of the pain we felt when enduring the trial. It's interesting when we look back on those experiences and have the greater perspective on how we were changed and essentially strengthened--if we turn to the Lord. It has been amazing for me to observe you in this healing process. I can only hope that people enduring trials can look at your faith, and apparent pain, and get hope and encouragement that the Lord has strength to heal us all. You *were* pregnant, and I remember it! I have a few great memories of you asking me questions or us secretly discussing things with fondness :) Those memories can never be taken away from you, and I am sure will merge to be a part of your mothering experience with Luke.
A wonderful read, thank you.
After thinking about some comments about forgetting because it was a traumatic experience,I think that can definitely happen, yet I think this is very different. Nothing about being pregnant was traumatic for me. It was actually quite wonderful and I loved every minute of it - it just seems like a different life than I have now.
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