There was one other couple that took the Hypnobabies class with us, Sarah and Chris (they were so nice and she was the cutest pregnant mom!). I remember Sarah mentioning that one of her favorite CD tracks to listen to was the "Fear Clearing" track. I thought that was interesting but didn't think too much about it. Later we discovered that her first child, Celeste, was stillborn.
I can see now why getting rid of fear would be so important. I would like to think that I don't have "fear," but perhaps I'm just in denial about that.
In the past few months I have connected with other moms that have lost their babies and I have learned about so many other ways a child could loss his or her life. Those are the types of stories, when you're pregnant, you're told to avoid. Well, I can't avoid them now. They are my reality. My reality is that I lost my son. My reality is that so many other women lose their babies too. I can't just pretend I don't know these things. I can't pretend I'm not going to think about these things.
But what I can do is decide how I'm going to respond to this knowledge. I've read about woman that feel like they don't love their next baby because they don't want to get hurt. I've read about woman that can't connect to their baby because they're afraid he or she won't remain a part of their life. This is not how I want to be.
Learning about different things that have caused a babies' deaths can allow me to make educated decisions for my pregnancy. And if it's something out of my control, I will simply continue to trust in God and His plan for each of us. What I can control is my decision to not be so paranoid about things which I can't control and enjoy the time that I do have with my child.
I don't know how long this pregnancy will last. Realistically I could miscarry, have another stillborn, have my baby die of SIDS, or any other number of tragic things. I am not trying to be negative, that's just a fact that I am now very aware of. Those things that "wouldn't happen to me" could really happen to me (our you). I know that because they have happened to me and they might again. I now know that life is fragile and fleeting and because of that knowledge I have decided that I will enjoy every moment I get with my child. If, for some reason, my time with this child ends prematurely, I want to be so certain that I lived this time to fullest, embraced it, and have no regrets about it.
On Sunday night when I took my pregnancy test, even though I really wasn't sure, I didn't want to miss a moment of this pregnancy in case I really was pregnant. So I secretly (Trevor was trying to discourage me from getting my hopes up so I didn't want him to know) took some initial "baby bump" pictures. I wanted to begin embracing this experience. I wanted to be excited and happy and in love with this baby that is going to hopefully join our family.