Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Enjoying Every Moment in spite of Fear

There was one other couple that took the Hypnobabies class with us, Sarah and Chris (they were so nice and she was the cutest pregnant mom!). I remember Sarah mentioning that one of her favorite CD tracks to listen to was the "Fear Clearing" track. I thought that was interesting but didn't think too much about it. Later we discovered that her first child, Celeste, was stillborn. 

I can see now why getting rid of fear would be so important. I would like to think that I don't have "fear," but perhaps I'm just in denial about that.

In the past few months I have connected with other moms that have lost their babies and I have learned about so many other ways a child could loss his or her life. Those are the types of stories, when you're pregnant, you're told to avoid. Well, I can't avoid them now. They are my reality. My reality is that I lost my son. My reality is that so many other women lose their babies too. I can't just pretend I don't know these things. I can't pretend I'm not going to think about these things.

But what I can do is decide how I'm going to respond to this knowledge. I've read about woman that feel like they don't love their next baby because they don't want to get hurt. I've read about woman that can't connect to their baby because they're afraid he or she won't remain a part of their life. This is not how I want to be.

Learning about different things that have caused a babies' deaths can allow me to make educated decisions for my pregnancy.  And if it's something out of my control, I will simply continue to trust in God and His plan for each of us. What I can control is my decision to not be so paranoid about things which I can't control and enjoy the time that I do have with my child.

I don't know how long this pregnancy will last. Realistically I could miscarry, have another stillborn, have my baby die of SIDS, or any other number of tragic things. I am not trying to be negative, that's just a fact that I am now very aware of. Those things that "wouldn't happen to me" could really happen to me (our you). I know that because they have happened to me and they might again. I now know that life is fragile and fleeting and because of that knowledge I have decided that I will enjoy every moment I get with my child. If, for some reason, my time with this child ends prematurely, I want to be so certain that I lived this time to fullest, embraced it, and have no regrets about it.

On Sunday night when I took my pregnancy test, even though I really wasn't sure, I didn't want to miss a moment of this pregnancy in case I really was pregnant. So I secretly (Trevor was trying to discourage me from getting my hopes up so I didn't want him to know) took some initial "baby bump" pictures. I wanted to begin embracing this experience. I wanted to be excited and happy and in love with this baby that is going to hopefully join our family.

Perhaps I do have some fear and that will be something that I have to work through; however, I'm not going to let it stop me from being hopeful, from loving what I do have now, and from giving all my heart to this next child. I will admit that I believe my joy and hope will most likely be laced with fear, but I am not going to let fear rule me. 


  1. Every day you amaze me even more. I wish I could always be that hopeful and not let fear conquer my mind but it does. You give me hope, you are my inspiration, I love reading your blog! I'm soooooo excited for you and cannot wait for more baby bump pictures!

    Love you!!!!!

  2. Shelley,

    When I found out I was pregnant the first time, I was co-workers with a lady who had lost her twins at 26 weeks - unexpected, unexplained, and so hard for her. I felt sort of bad that I was pregnant, after what had happened to her, and was so grateful when she discovered that she was also pregnant a few weeks later.

    But because of her experience, I knew from day one that my pregnancy might not make it to full-term, and prayed all the time that things would go well or that I would have the faith and trust needed to accept any other outcome. Gratefully, Ashlynne was born and lived. A few months later, my friends lost their baby at 7 months to SIDS. My fears were again made manifest, but I again prayed for her safety and for faith to accept whatever happened.

    We cannot just live in fear, not enjoying life and being so overprotective and hovering that our children can't live. Death - even of children - is a part of life. A lot of times, it can't be prevented. I've learned that I need to live close to the spirit, and try to heed promptings whenever I receive them. But the rest is in the hands of the Lord. I love you, and thank you for sharing all you are experiencing. You are amazing.

  3. I think I love reading your blog because every dang time I'm like "That's how I felt!" I don't know why that is so comforting, but it really is. Thank you for that. I had the same fears and excitement when I was pregnant with Anne and even Rachel. You're right, that thought of "Oh that wouldn't happen to me or my kids" is gone. It has and it could again. But it also gives us a keen sense of how miraculous pregnancy, childbirth, and just life in general is. It makes me savor every second of my girls' lives, even now. I'm glad to see you excited and loving every moment of being pregnant, some people aren't able to have even that blessing. I'm so excited for you :)

  4. I feel very similarly....I am afraid to get my hopes up with my next pregnancy (whenever that happens) that it sounds very tempting to not announce it, not think about it, not take the photos, not get excited....basically just carry on with life, just in case it all comes crashing down again. But you are right, even though my excitement may be laced with fear, I shouldn't make myself enjoy my next pregnancy less just for the fear of it ending...I read a book called The Secret by Rhonda Byrne that essentially teaches that if you exude positivity, only positive things can come back to you, and being negative will bring negativity to your life. While I don't know that I subscribe to this theory 100%, I do think that negative thinking often brings you the very thing you were worrying about, or at the very least, keeps you from enjoying the happy things going on in your life. So thank you for your faithful example, I am now resolved to soak up every moment of all my future pregnancies, even if I am afraid. :-)