In the middle of February, I had decided I had had enough of my wardrobe! Of course, that seems like something every girl might experience, but this was different. Although I try to relish the memories of being pregnant with Luke, I couldn't stand to wear some of those clothes anymore. I was able to wear non-maternity clothes for most of my pregnancy so my wardrobe didn't change too much during nor after I gave birth. Recently, I would stand there in front of my clothes trying to decide what to wear and just look at one item and think that's what I was wearing the day we went to the hospital . . . that's what I wore for our one and only family picture . . . that's what I was wearing the day that I was afraid something wasn't right . . . and I refused to put on a shirt that was so connected to the memories of those particular days.
Of course, there are other articles of clothing that reminded me of better days...like the day we went house hunting and I swear I could literally feel my belly expanding! Or what I was wearing on a walk Trevor and I took in spring. Or what I was wearing during our fun vacation to San Francisco. Or what I was wearing on the 4th of July. Or at my baby showers. All of these other memories are really quite delightful ones from my pregnancy, but now they've been tainted. I can't put on that same shirt and relish in that moment in quite the same way. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't do it.
So, my not quite understanding, yet loving husband says, "Do what you need to do." And I take it as a go ahead for a little shopping excursion.
I used to buy clothes with the mentality - "that would probably fit with a nice pregnant belly" (hence why I was able to successfully avoid needing very many official "maternity" clothes). Not this time. This time I wasn't pregnant nor was I planning on being pregnant any time soon (hoping to be pregnant, yes, but not planning on it). So I picked out whatever I thought fit well with my, currently (at that time), not-pregnant-body.
Even though we're living on a student-life budget for now, I totally justified it by using some cash that was graciously given to us after Luke's death. Perhaps that money should have gone toward the more expensive parts of the this whole ordeal, like the headstone or medical bills, but I guess we can consider it going toward "therapy" costs. My shopping was definitely an emotional and mental need and not an actual physical need, but it's what I needed. I'm am grateful for the generous gift of money that made it possible.