I can usually go into the nursery with no problem. I have an incredibly comfortable lazy-boy rocking chair I got for my birthday back in July. It's great to read in, nap in, or just sit and think in. When I'm in there I usually curl up with the quilt that I made for Luke. I love the nursery. It was a labor of love for my little baby --everything from the painted walls, painted crib, refinished changing table, custom window valance, sewn bed skirt, and mommy-made wall art--was all part of the environment I created in anticipation of spending long hours and endless nights in there with my son.
Some people offered to help take down the nursery right after Luke was born. I wasn't ready for that. I'm still not. I even stained and painted a shelf and some frames (that I hadn't gotten to before Luke's birth) and hung them up. I guess that's kinda strange. There was no sense in finishing the nursery since it won't be used as one anytime soon. But I did it. Maybe I just want to finish it to see what it could have been. And instead of filling it with a baby I'll just fill it with my dreams of a life to come. It makes me sad to brush my finger across the top of the changing table I painted just in time for Luke's arrival to just discover that it's collecting dust. How empty it seems. When walking by the nursery, I turn the light on, gaze in, and turn it off again with a sigh. Only to turn the light back on, gaze on again, almost smiling at the thought of my son that I love so much. Just to turn the light off and walk away.
Last night I was just tidying things up in our house. Gathering a pile of sympathy cards I took them into the nursery. I thought I could store them in the basket on the changing table that was still holding the baby powder, baby lotion, and other little baby essentials. I started to put the unneeded baby items on the top shelf in the closet. I held the unopened diaper wipes to my face and just smelled the sweet, clean, baby smell.
I just lost it. I couldn't keep the tears from coming.
Was putting those items away confirming what I already know? That my baby isn't coming. He's not going to need these items. Not now. Not ever.
So in their place I put a lovely pile of cards. The room is empty, but at least I have that tangible confirmation of all the love and prayers that have been offered in our behalf. So for now I guess it's just a nursery filled with love.
You're a beautiful writer Shelley. I love reading your thoughts. Your words are so touching. I'm teary-eyed just reading this.ReplyDelete
A warning before making your husband teary eyed would be nice :)ReplyDelete
Hang in there, you are a rock and I love you! I am glad you are able to share how you are feeling and wha you are going thru no matter how difficult it is, I admire you for that and for everything about you! You are loved, you always have a friend.
You put so much love and care into making the nursery just right for little Luke. It must be so hard to have all these things there ready for him unused. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.ReplyDelete
I think you will feel so many emotions for the rest of your life...and you should! You will have such a beautiful reunion with your son someday. In the meantime, I wouldn't be surprised if he's visiting with his brothers and sisters and encouraging them....ReplyDelete
You are wonderful. I think it's also wonderful that you finished the nursery despite the pain. I like to think that's what I would have done, too. Your baby is probably loving it from heaven, and is looking forward to being with you again. I love you so much.ReplyDelete